This column first appeared in the Nov. 25, 2012, edition of The Inquirer.
I just saw on the TV news that women are getting their toes cut off to fit into high heels.
I’m wondering if I should cut off my butt to fit into my jeans.
This being Thanksgiving weekend, after turkey, stuffing, and pie, you might be thinking the same thing.
In fact, I bet you are. You probably woke up wondering, what can I hack off to fit into something I don’t wear?
So don’t put away that carving knife.
Put it to good use!
I’m still trying to imagine how you carve out a waist. Maybe like a blazer? Take a little off the sides?
By the way, I’m not making this up. I saw it on an actual news report, that women are getting their toes cut off or shortened to fit into sexy shoes. When I watched it on TV, I remembered I’d heard it somewhere before, then I realized that it was in an old-school version of Cinderella I used to read to Francesca when she was little, which gave us both nightmares.
It’s not a magic slipper, it’s a magic clipper.
The TV news report said that most women get centimeters taken off their second toe, which is the common culprit. That, I couldn’t relate to. My second toe is one of my favorites, so I’d never stick it in the guillotine. But my pinkie toe is another matter. When I’m barefoot, it looks stuck to my fourth toe, like a clingy friend.
Still I wouldn’t cut it off.
It’s not ugly, it’s needy.
In fact, it’s leaving on its own. Each year it gets smaller, and I’ve gone from having an amazing disappearing toenail to an amazing disappearing toe.
In other words, this little piggy went wee, wee, wee all the way home.
And never came back.
The TV news report said that the women are very happy with their foot operations, and so are their husbands.
This, I don’t believe. I give men more credit than that. But if he exists, I’d like to meet the man who wants his wife’s toes cut off so she can fit into high heels.
I’d like to introduce him to my carving knife.
I’m not sure which part I’d cut off first.
The choice would be between helping him fit into his pants, or helping him fit into his hat.
And if you ever saw me carve a turkey, you’d know I’m a lousy tailor.
The news report also said that 87% of women’s foot problems are caused by high heels, and that got me thinking, too.
How can we get that number up?
We’re slacking, ladies.
Too many of us aren’t trying hard enough to be sexy. Maybe if we cut the peep-toe larger, we could cut off more toes and get more peeps? Or maybe we could just cut off all our toes but one and have one giant toe, which would make the shoe fit perfectly.
I also noticed on the dumb reality TV shows I watch, like The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, that the women wear such high heels that they can’t walk around by themselves, but have to hold onto their husband’s hands so they don’t fall. To me, this is poetic justice. If you cut off your toes to please your man, he should have to walk you around like a toddler.
Because you cut off your nose to spite your face.
But in the end, I’m not criticizing women for the dumb things they do. I’ve done plenty of dumb things myself, and I’m thinking especially of my second marriage.
Luckily, there’s a carving knife for that, too, and it’s called divorce.
And for that, I give thanks.