April fools | Lisa Scottoline

Do you like April Fools’ Day?

I don’t.

Because lately every day is April Fools’ Day.

Read the room, April Fools’ Day.

We ain’t laughing.

People are worked up about ending Daylight Saving Time, but I think we should end April Fools’ Day.

That’s a good example of what I mean.

You may have read that Congress is going to end Daylight Saving Time by making it permanent, but sleep experts say that will only make us sleepier and crankier.

Thanks, Congress.

With them, it’s not April Fools’ Day. It’s Groundhog Day.

Meanwhile I have two speeds, sleepy or cranky.

And I don’t think I’m alone.

In truth, I prefer sleepy to cranky.

Sleepy doesn’t bother anybody.

While cranky never shuts up.

Cranky is all over TV, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

Cranky is busy.

Cranky doesn’t get any work done, but his job is to distract us from doing ours.

Could we get any crankier?

We’re about to find out.

Buckle up.

Meanwhile there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t see something I could mistake for an April Fools’ Day joke.

Let me give you a few more examples.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was watching the Academy Awards and I saw one of my favorite actors go up on stage and smack one of my favorite comedians.

I thought, wait, is it April Fools’ Day already?

I agree, the comedian’s joke was awful, tasteless, and heartless.

But Mother Mary used to say, “Don’t hit.”

Also, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

Not that The Flying Scottolines were so genteel, growing up. When we were kids, my brother and I used to smack each other, which was why we had to be told not to, and it wasn’t until I got to school that I heard the term inside voice. I didn’t even know what the teacher was talking about when she said, “Use your Inside Voice.”

I started shouting.

The Scottolines always shouted at each other. It’s not that we were angry, we just talked loud.

We had to, to be heard over the TV.

Our Inside Voice was a primal scream.

The truth is, your Inside might not be the same as my Inside.

In fact, everybody’s Inside is different from everybody else’s Inside, which is why you shouldn’t make a joke about anyone other than yourself.

To return to point, and you’re not going to believe this either, but I read that an Evil Dictator invaded a country and tried to kill as many innocent people as he could, even babies.

But nobody can stop him because the babies weren’t in NATO.

I’m not making this up.

I guess the babies should’ve joined NATO.

It’s not our fault they didn’t get their application in on time.

They were probably napping.

You know how babies are, either sleepy or cranky.

Like me.

Meanwhile this is a pro tip for rookie dictators, who may not know which country to start with when they begin their quest for world domination.

Pay attention, bad guys.

And use your Inside Voice.

In a related story, I read that the President said the Evil Dictator shouldn’t have his job, which is obviously true, but then, everybody got crankier at the President for saying something true than at the Evil Dictator for killing babies.

This makes perfect sense, if you’re in favor of full employment for Evil Dictators.

Kim Kardashian says nobody wants to work anymore, but she’s wrong.

You know who does?

Evil Dictators.

Like, they can’t make epaulets fast enough.

I’m buying stock in crowns, orbs, and scepters.

Finally, I thought it was April Fools’ Day when I read that the wife of a Supreme Court justice was texting people to help her overthrow the government. Then I read that her Supreme-Court-Justice husband made a ruling to keep her texts secret.

Now who’s the April fool?

The joke’s on you, justice.

This is where I tell you that when I was a law school, I won a prize for legal ethics.

I even got a certificate.

So I certifiably know about legal ethics.

And I certify that the Supreme Court doesn’t have any.

Mother Mary could’ve told you the same thing.

And she would’ve happily done so, using her Inside Voice.

But I know things are going to get better.

Remember, April showers bring May flowers.

Look for Lisa’s new domestic thriller, “What Happened to the Bennetts.” Also, look for Lisa’s best-selling historical novel, “Eternal,” in paperback. Francesca’s critically acclaimed debut novel, “Ghosts of Harvard,” is also in paperback.