Brainiac

Can’t find your keys?

I know why.

Your brain is full.

It’s true. I read an article about it online, so it must be true.

What the article said was that as we get older, we tend to be more forgetful, and that’s not because our brain is degenerating, but rather because it’s full.

We have so much information that it interferes with what we’re trying to remember.

OMG, that is so me.

My brain is positively stuffed with information.

All that information is pushing at the inside of my very skull.

The authors of the article say that what’s happening is that our brain is cluttered.

Again, it’s me.

And you should see my sock drawer.

Why should my brain be any different?

I try to keep it neat and clean, but what can you do?

Clutter happens.

Spark this.

The headline of the article was, Memory Issues For Older People Could Be The Result of Clutter.

There it is, so you can look it up yourself.

Don’t forget.

You might, because I bet your brain is super full of information, too.

When you think about it, it’s a miracle we can even stand.

But don’t think about it too much.

Your brain is already maxed out.

I don’t know what’s cluttering your brain.

Truly, that’s your business.

I don’t want to know, either.

I’m already topped off in the information department.

But I’ll tell you what’s cluttering my brain:

TV.

Because watching television these days takes all of your brain space and then some.

Before I explain, let me say that I love the television time we live in. I love that there’s Netflix, Hulu, HBO Max, Disney, Acorn, TV from Italy, TV from Spain, and subtitles galore. I love that we can shift the time around, and watch what we want, and speed through the commercials, and watch with our friends and family, or watch however we want to, wherever we want to, and whenever we want to.

It makes TV almost as good as a book.

Books did all those things forever, and nobody clapped.

Books never charged a subscription fee every month.

Books didn’t require a password, username, and a credit card for automatic billing.

Books are the lowest-maintenance form of entertainment on the planet.

Yet we chase after television, which is so high-maintenance we can’t remember what channel the show was on.

Books are the loving, reliable wife.

TV is the crazy, complicated girlfriend.

But I digress.

And to be fair, I love both.

So enough of the analogy.

To return to point, now when I want to go on TV and watch something, I can’t remember if the show is on Hulu, HBO Max, Netflix, or what.

I can’t remember which season I was watching.

I can’t even remember if I saw that episode already.

Now I know that my brain is cluttered, so none of this is my fault or the fact that I’m getting older.

I’m just getting fuller.

That’s why I need an elastic waistband, too.

I’m fuller all around.

I’m pretty sure full brains are related to full waistbands.

Scientific researchers are going to confirm this later.

I’m just ahead of the curve.

And the curves are all over me.

By the way, I pay for Hulu, HBO Max, and Netflix, and I can’t even remember how much I pay.

But that’s not clutter.

That’s denial.

The online article didn’t account for the amount of space that denial takes up in the human brain.

Mine in particular.

You don’t get divorced twice unless you have engaged in some extremely impressive denial.

Hate to brag.

Between clutter and denial, plus keeping track of my TV shows, I need an auxiliary brain.

Or maybe one of those things that you put on top of the car, that say THULE.

I forget what those things are called.

That’s the whole problem!

I always see cool people driving around with those things, which I think contain skis.

But maybe it’s not skis.

Maybe it’s extra brain storage.

Maybe that’s what I need.

But bigger.

I should get a storage unit. Or two.

One for denial, and one for information.

On automatic billing.

So I don’t forget/deny the bill.

Look for Lisa’s new domestic thriller, “What Happened to the Bennetts,” coming March 29. Also, look for Lisa’s best-selling historical novel, “Eternal,” in paperback. Francesca’s critically acclaimed debut novel, “Ghosts of Harvard,” is now in paperback.