Timing is everything

A lot of people get cranky about daylight saving time.

And most of them have stopped whining about it by now.

Not me.

My only saving grace is I live alone.

So I’m not whining to anybody else.

I’m whining to myself, which is more like mumbling.

Also, I’m cursing under my breath.

Mostly I’m mumbling curses under my breath.

I’ll be doing this for the next six months.

That’s what’s good about me.

I never give up.

But this year, I’m developing strategies to cope.

For example, in the past, I used to change all the clocks.

And that was something of a task.

Because I throw directions away.

The kitchen clock is pretty simple, and it has a knob on the back that you turn.

But I have a clock in the bathroom off my bedroom, and it’s digital, which means I have no idea how to set it backward.

Every time I do, the A.M. radio comes on.

Have you listened to A.M. radio lately?

I’d rather leave the clock wrong.

For the next six months, I will subtract the one.

That’s the level of math I can handle.

After all, do I really need to know the exact time I go to the bathroom?

Can’t I just ballpark it?

I’m not reporting to some nurse or anything.

It’s basically the middle of the night.

Either three or four.

Good enough.

And the clock in the car is another problem.

God knows how to change that back.

I tried hitting all manner of buttons, then I gave up.

It doesn’t really matter.

I’ll get where I’m going when I get there.

My phone keeps track of time, and I know how to change one watch.

I’m cooking with gas!

And that’s the real problem with daylight saving time.

When it gets dark earlier, it signals dinnertime to me.

Like at 4 o’clock in the afternoon.

From 4 o’clock on, I’m counting the minutes until 5 o’clock, because that’s the time I can legitimately start eating dinner.

Some people feel that way about alcohol.

My addiction is carbohydrates.

It’s not my fault.

It’s the fault of daylight saving time.

And that’s why I start cooking at 4:30, so dinner is ready at 5:00, so I can eat it and be done by 5:15.

Then I start the after-dinner snack.

Leading into a cup of tea and cookies for dessert.

The entire meal is completed by 5:30.

After that, I sit at the kitchen counter on my laptop, trying to work next to the refrigerator.

But all I do is think about food.

So I snack until I can legitimately go upstairs to bed at 9 o’clock, which is really 10 o’clock, and honestly I’m tired.

So I’m eating to stay awake.

This is because of daylight saving time.

In fact, I bet it’s no accident that the first big holiday after the start of daylight saving time is Thanksgiving.

As soon as daylight saving hits, people start planning their Thanksgiving dinner. They collect recipes, buy ingredients, and get all nervous about ordering pies on time.

Again, not our fault.

It’s dark.

And worse, it’s cold.

Even if it’s nice outside, my house is freezing.

And God forbid I turn the heat up, which would cost money.

Instead I eat.

Just to warm myself.

I imagine myself like a little chipmunk, fueling up for the winter.

God knows what hardship could befall me, come the bitter cold.

Tiny woodland creature like myself.

Except I eat like a lumberjack who has to go and chop down an entire forest.

All this will change.

In six months.

When some of the clocks will be right again.

I won’t have to subtract one anymore.

And I’ll have to find another excuse for cookies.

Look for Lisa’s best-selling historical novel, “Eternal,” in stores now. Also look for Francesca’s critically acclaimed debut novel, “Ghosts of Harvard,” now in paperback.