A very plastic Easter
They would also bring Italian nougat, a hard white paste embedded with nuts, which was the most efficient way to lose a filling.
I love Easter.
Because growing up, it was all about chocolate.
Before I begin, let me say this column is nonsectarian.
You can enjoy it if you’re Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, agnostic, atheist, or vegan.
I grew up without a religion because the Flying Scottolines had none.
In our house, the higher power was Mother Mary.
We didn’t have a religion because she was officially excommunicated from Catholicism, since she had been divorced before she married my father.
Yes, divorce runs in my family.
But my mother and I were only divorced twice, so we held the line.
That’s why I’m not getting married again.
I want to set a good example.
My message is, it’s OK to make mistakes.
Cars have a reverse gear for a reason.
But if your divorces go into double digits, you might have a problem.
You might even be the problem.
But don’t jump to conclusions.
And keep that transmission running.
Anyway, because she was excommunicated, Mother Mary held a grudge.
Not many people could hold a grudge against a world religion.
But Mother Mary was a professional.
It’s not a grudge for an amateur.
Fast-forward to my childhood, and Easter.
We got all dressed up with nowhere to go.
We took pictures on the front lawn, then went back inside the house.
I knew our neighbors were going to church, but I wasn’t sure why, except I had the vague idea something really good happened to Jesus Christ.
We had plastic Easter baskets with plastic grass, jelly beans, and a chocolate Easter bunny.
We were in Woolworth heaven.
A holiday with sugar and plastic?
It doesn’t get better.
Being Italian American, we had a huge ravioli dinner with relatives who brought over Easter bread, which was delicious until you got to the hard-boiled egg in the center.
Honestly, a letdown.
They would also bring Italian nougat, a hard white paste embedded with nuts, which was the most efficient way to lose a filling.
Anyway it wasn’t until I got older that I realized my Easter was different from other people’s, and by the time daughter Francesca was born, I tried to adopt more mainstream traditions.
No, I didn’t get a religion.
I got an egg-dyeing kit.
Evidently it’s all about the hard-boiled egg.
I remember buying the egg-dyeing kit, with its weird brand name PAAS, and it cost three dollars.
I just checked the website, and it still costs only $4.99.
That’s 30 years later.
Wow!
Inflation has touched everything but PAAS.
It’s the hard-boiled-egg cartel.
I remember putting a tablet in vinegar and water, then trying to pick up a hard-boiled egg with a piece of wire shaped like an octagon.
Is there a harder way to carry a hard-boiled egg?
I dropped it every time.
Luckily it bounced.
I also remember the cardboard cutouts in the box, which were supposed to hold the eggs to dry.
Is there a single person that worked for?
Seriously, PAAS?
Maybe you get what you pay for.
I’m kidding, because dyeing eggs was fun, and of course Francesca and I had our own methods. She actually used the wire egg-holder and carefully dyed each half of the egg a separate color. Mommy dumped the egg in a few different cups and ended up with purple-and-black eggs.
Happy Easter!
We also started an Easter egg hunt, like real Americans.
I bought a bunch of plastic eggs, put jelly beans and Hershey’s Kisses inside, and hid them around the backyard. Francesca ran around trying to find them, having a great time until she heard her friend’s plastic eggs held dollar bills.
Hold the line, parents.
Keep the holiday about what matters.
Sugar.
The same thing happened with the Tooth Fairy.
I put a dollar under Francesca’s pillow, but one of her friends got 10 bucks.
Look, I loved my kid.
But her tooth wasn’t worth a tenner.
Do the math.
If a kid has 20 teeth at 10 bucks a pop, we’re talking serious money.
For nothing.
That’s not the American way.
It’s not even the Italian American way.
Unless you lose a filling on the nougat.
Then we’re talking a crown.
Look for Lisa’s new domestic thriller, “What Happened to the Bennetts.” Also, look for Lisa’s best-selling historical novel, “Eternal,” in paperback. Francesca’s critically acclaimed debut novel, “Ghosts of Harvard,” is also in paperback.