Reveling in a great love, commitment, and family

Mari was newly out of the Air Force, but many of her friends — and the only other lesbians she knew — still served at McGuire Air Force Base. On a Friday night in spring of 1984, a friend who played softball on the base team invited Mari to attend the game, then go to a Trenton bar afterward.

The invitation came with a warning: Do not come out to Millie, a new teammate, and don’t invite her to the bar afterward. No one really knew her, and she could be looking to out people, which in 1984 meant being kicked out of the service. “Back then, it was dangerous for girls in the military to come out,” Mari said.

Millie had no idea that her teammates were warning people about her, but she would not have judged them for it. She was cautious, too. “I kind of figured out that some of the friends I hung out with were lesbians, but nobody really said that out loud,” she said.

Millie vividly remembers looking up from her pregame warmup just as Mari, clearly a civilian, got out of her car. “As I watched her walk over to talk to some of my teammates, in my head I asked, ‘Who’s that?’ ”

Millie joined the group to find out, and the spark between her and Mari was almost immediate. Mari wished she could invite Millie to the bar that night. Instead, she started attending all the team’s games. “My friends knew I had never gone to their games before and that I was only going to see Millie,” she says with a laugh.

Every week at the ball field, Mari and Millie spent as much time together as they could. The day Mari’s friend finally told her Millie could be trusted, Mari invited Millie to join them at the bar. Soon after, Millie, who grew up in the Bronx, and Mari, who is from Tioga/Nicetown, went to dinner in Philadelphia, just the two of them.

First came a kiss, then confusion.

Millie wanted a romantic relationship with Mari. But Mari started to think that their growing connection might be best kept platonic. After the next softball game, Mari handed Millie a letter containing all the reasons why she thought they were better matched as friends. She asked her to read it later, but Millie could not wait. “As soon as she read it, she was obviously very upset,” Mari remembered.

Seeing Millie distraught made Mari so sad that she began to cry. Millie tried to comfort her. “I couldn’t believe it — here she was consoling me when I had just upset her,” Mari said.

Everyone was going to the lake, and when a friend came to pick them up, Millie held the door open for Mari.

“I think I’m falling in love with you,” Mari told Millie, leaving them both confused.

“I hoped that it was true, but I was cautious,” Millie said. “Every time we went out, I couldn’t help thinking that the next day, she would say this wasn’t going to work out.”

But each subsequent date — usually in Philadelphia and never on base to protect Millie — made Mari more certain. On June 4, 1984, just a few months after they met, the two made a commitment to each other that they still celebrate annually.

Millie loved the military and after four years reenlisted for two more. She would have made the Air Force her career, but “Mari and I decided we didn’t want to keep looking over our shoulders anymore,” she said, so she left after her six years.

“I was so thrilled that she got out — I hated the watching and being careful,” Mari said. They bought their first home together in Pennsauken, which became the place their friends could hang out without worry.

In 1990, the year after Millie left the Air Force, the couple exchanged vows in a ceremony that included a service very much like a Catholic Mass at Dignity Philadelphia. Because of the laws at the time, they were not legally wed, but in all other ways it was a wedding, followed by a reception for about 60 in the church basement.

Mari, who is now 62, worked for the state of New Jersey, and recently retired as a housing management officer. Millie, also 62, is the mostly retired owner of the Computer Angel, a business she founded more than 20 years ago.

As rights for LGBTQ people expanded, the couple took every possible step to protect their relationship and each other. They became domestic partners, then had a small civil union ceremony and luncheon in their backyard in Mantua, N.J.

In July 2013, Mari unexpectedly lost her brother. Along with her mourning for him, she also felt panic for her and Millie. “If something happened to one of us, we needed all the legal protections we could get,” Mari said. When New Jersey recognized marriage equality that October, the couple began planning a legal marriage and celebration for June 2014 to both take advantage of the new law and mark the 30th anniversary of their original commitment. But then Mari felt panic again and hurriedly put together a small, backyard wedding ceremony that took place on Nov 10, 2013. Millie’s sister, Ana, was her witness, and Mari’s niece, Nancy, was hers.

That June, they held the biggest reception of all. About 125 friends and family members joined them in the basement of their church, Unitarian Universalist of Cherry Hill.

“It was a wonderful party, with many members of both of our families there, including some that hadn’t come in 1990,” said Mari. “It was so nice to see everyone there, to know that we have so much support,” said Millie.

The couple enjoy spending time with their families, including their many nieces and nephews. They take weekly hikes, both on wooded trails and throughout New Jersey and Pennsylvania. “We pick a town and go to any coffee shops, other shops, and restaurants. We go to museums. We look at the buildings,” said Mari.

The two avid readers have their own private book club. When one of them finds a good book, she recommends it to the other, who reads it so they can discuss. Mari recommended My Broken Language by Quiara Alegria Hudes, who, like Mari, is from Philadelphia. Millie’s latest selection was My Beloved World by Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, a New Yorker like her.

They enjoy watching the birds that come to their feeders, and Millie, the family chef, enjoys making the Puerto Rican favorites her mother taught her as well as trying out new recipes. The couple plans a trip to Puerto Rico later this summer.

After nearly 40 years together, Millie loves the fun she and Mari still have, and Mari’s sensitive nature. “I love that I can go to her and feel comfort from her when I need it most,” Millie said. “And it’s not just the way she’s helped me through different things that have happened to us, she’s also very caring about other people. She can just tell when something is bothering someone.”

From the beginning, Mari has loved Millie’s generous spirit. “It goes back to her trying to console me when I was upset because she was upset. And she’s always trying to help other people — like at a graduation party that we went to early so she could help set up. I was out socializing with everybody, but she was helping with the hors d’oeuvres. And then she still came out to the dance floor to find me, and she spun me so hard.”