his week’s question (Have your own? Submit it here.):
I am in an HOA. We are all in one group chat and are friendly to one another. One of the women in our chat, who is very nice in person, uses the chat to complain, almost weekly.
She thinks the kids are too loud playing outside on a Saturday afternoon. She says one of us put our trash out 20 minutes before we’re technically allowed to. She says one of us closes our front door so hard that it shakes the whole building. She constantly asks for us to get her Amazon packages and if we say we’re not home she says, “ANYONE ELSE?” Yes, in caps.
So yeah, we don’t like her. We’ve tried! So there are some ideas floating around, the main one being: Do we mute that group chat and start a new one without her? Or do we just tell her what the deal is?
Kiki Aranita, Food & Dining Reporter
100% mute that chat and start a new one.
Elizabeth Wellington, Features Columnist
I agree with Kiki.
But, we are trying to be helpful here and it’s a horrible thing when someone ignores the group chat. Have you established any ground rules in the chat? If not, maybe it’s time?
Kiki Aranita
Yeah, was this a chat established for getting packages for one another?
Elizabeth Wellington
I think at the very least you send a message out that starts with “No complaining.”
My apartment complex had a similar group chat on WhatsApp. After a month, I opted out. I’d rather not be in the know then hear about all of these people’s incremental problems.
Kiki Aranita
I’m not in an HOA but I live on a block where I know my neighbors and we’re all super active in grabbing one another’s packages and super appreciative of one another.
That said, we don’t complain in our group chats. Complaints are for friend group chats, not neighbor group chats.
Elizabeth Wellington
There are ways to keep people informed and, in this world, we need to be informed.
So my suggestion in drawing up ground rules is: no complaining. Informing is not complaining.
Kiki Aranita
Create a mini version of a neighborhood Facebook group, which has established ground rules, and is actively monitored by admins.
By the way — that last question of “do we tell her what the deal is?” I would not do this.
Elizabeth Wellington
I might though. People need to know when they are getting on your last nerves.
Maybe she doesn’t know how annoying she is. Maybe telling her is the first step.
Kiki Aranita
I’m not scared of confrontation in general, but I think confrontation like this can make it difficult to live with someone in such close proximity.
Elizabeth Wellington
You don’t have to curse her out, just a gentle nudge... “Like, girl... some of your group chat messages have been off-putting. We try not to complain. We are solutions oriented.”
Kiki, should we come up with a list of ground rules to help these folks out?
Kiki Aranita
First, no shouting/all caps.
Elizabeth Wellington
No making fun of people. No cursing. No complaining about things, especially other people. No gossip.
Kiki Aranita
Establish a motto like “to support and inform.”
I also like the idea of multiple group chats for neighbors (because I have them). They’re like slack channels. One is just for packages. Another one of my friends also has multiple group chats. Unfortunately, one of them is “the rat chat” — it only deals with rats.
Elizabeth Wellington
It’s fine if neighbors want to splinter off to talk about other things like packages and other such things, but the HOA group chat should be accessible to everyone in the HOA and it should have guidelines and rules.
You may not like old girl, but she lives there too.
Just set ground rules going forward.
Kiki Aranita
With a positive motto.
