Can’t stop, won’t stop
And I’m sure it’s no problem to play beach handball in high heels. You could break an ankle, but God gave you two for a reason.
It’s bikini season.
And evidently, it’s mandatory.
You might’ve heard the news about the Norwegian women’s beach handball team, which was required to play in bikini bottoms.
Yes, you read that correctly.
The Norwegian women petitioned to wear the shorts that they train in but were threatened by the European Handball Federation with disqualification if they did not wear bikini bottoms.
In fact, each team member was fined 1,500 euros, which is about $1,700, for “improper clothing,” according to the European Handball Federation’s Disciplinary Commission.
You know who needs discipline?
The European Handball Federation.
According to International Handball Federation regulations, male players can play in tank tops and shorts, but women are required to wear “midriff-baring tops” and bikini bottoms “with a close fit and cut on an upward angle toward the top of the leg,” with a maximum side-width of four inches.
That’s like a third of a Carter’s.
According to Norwegian Handball Federation President Kåre Geir Lio, who gave a telephone interview to NBC News, the women’s team can wear “what they want, like the boys,” when they train and compete at home in Norway. But they have to wear the bikini bottoms when they play abroad.
So if you want to play abroad, you have to look like one.
Obviously, this is a travesty of justice.
And the solution is clear.
Require the women to wear thongs.
If you want athletes to look sexy, do it right.
Tart them up!
I say, go big or go home.
Or maybe, go small or go home.
And I’m sure playing handball in thongs would be comfortable.
Anybody who’s worn dental floss in their butt knows that.
And why require the women to wear a “midriff-baring top?”
Why not pasties?
Does anybody know what a pastie is anymore?
We’ll find out!
And stilettos, too.
Why not mandate stilettos?
It’s not like it’s a mask or anything.
And I’m sure it’s no problem to play beach handball in high heels.
You could break an ankle, but God gave you two for a reason.
But stay off the boardwalk, or you’re going to need those little rubber things Mother Mary used to put on her heels when we “walked the boards.”
Looking back, I wonder why my mother was dressing up to get a Kohr’s custard.
But those were different times.
We’ve come a long way, baby.
Or maybe we haven’t.
In a related story, Olivia Breen, a female track star at the Paralympics, was told that her briefs were “too short” and “inappropriate.”
Breen, who is a world champion in the long jump and the relay, has been wearing the briefs for years, and they’re made by Adidas for competition. She said she was “gobsmacked” when she was told.
I’ll tell you who I’d smack.
Meanwhile, if you look at the picture of what Breen wears, they look exactly like the bikini bottoms that the EHF mandates for Norway’s women’s team.
So it’s confusing, for us women.
I mean, how are we supposed to dress?
Again, the solution is obvious.
Men have to make up their minds, then let us know.
Maybe we’ll take a shower to kill time.
Then we come out, they could tell us.
If they still haven’t decided, then we can go naked.
Maybe that’s been the plan, all along?
Or I have a better idea.
Everybody should wear bikini bottoms, including the men.
That would be true equality.
Bikini bottoms for all!
Why stop at men in shorts?
You have to think outside the boxers.
Look for Lisa’s best-selling historical novel, “Eternal,” in stores now. Also look for Francesca’s critically acclaimed debut novel, “Ghosts of Harvard,” now in paperback.