The latest installment in a series of annual conversations between Your Favorite Columnist and God.
God: Byko! Where were you for our 2017 chat?
YFC: I explained that last year. My best friend died, and I held you responsible.
God: Moi? Where’d that come from?
YFC: Oh, I don’t know — the all-knowing, the all-seeing … that’s your brand, isn’t it?
God: And you also believe “better taste, less filling”?
YFC: You mean, “Tastes great, less filling.”
God: Be careful whom you are correcting, binky.
YFC: Sorry. How about the usual year in review?
God: Two words: Eagles, Super Bowl.
YFC: That’s three words.
God: I swear, you’re getting on my last nerve.
YFC: What do you know about the #MeToo movement?
God: The Irish band?
YFC: That’s U2. Never mind. A lot of women were elected to Congress. Did you have a hand in that?
God: After dogs, women are my favorite creation.
YFC: That’s why you fashioned them from a man’s rib?
God: Don’t believe everything you see on Fox News. I am the deity, by the way. I am not “male.”
YFC: The apostles all used the male pronoun for you.
God: The male apostles, sure. What do you expect?
YFC: Were there female apostles?
God: Amber, Kitty, Brittany, Destiny, Tyra, Brooklyn, Stormy.
YFC: They sounds like strippers.
God: You have a fresh mouth. Just like Democrats. Some of them got real excited when they heard that the last white male went extinct.
YFC: That was the white male northern rhinoceros.
God: Ending the patriarchy has to start somewhere. Heh-heh.
YFC: Let’s change the subject. What’s with all the floods, droughts, and fires?
God: It’s almost biblical, right? It’s a warning.
YFC: President Trump doesn’t believe in climate change.
God: Ha, hahhhaaaaa, hahahahaa. You’re cracking me up. Didn’t you write something almost two years ago saying you didn’t think he’d finish one term, let alone two?
YFC: I did write that, yes.
God: You also predicted the Eagles would lose the Super Bowl.
YFC: Yes, and I ate that column.
God: Well, you won’t have to eat the Trump column.
YFC: Wait! Are you telling me —
God: Can’t say. Confidential.
YFC: You’re an awful tease, but let’s move on. There’s a lot of turmoil about mass migration. How do you feel about that?
God: Mary and Joseph migrated to Egypt. No wall. So that’s how I feel about that. I made land masses, not nations.
YFC: You also made races.
God: Sonny, there is one race — human. I threw in different skin colors to be artistic. I see that was a mistake.
YFC: How do you feel about Russia interfering with U.S. elections?
God: Putin got experience by fixing his own, the Stalin wannabe. I gave him a dose of tinnitus for Christmas.
YFC: Speaking of leaders, did President Bush get to you all right?
God: Oh, yes, he’s here. So’s John McCain. He and Burt Reynolds are playing with the cherubs. I’m going to have to keep an eye on them.
YFC: Can you tell me anything about what you have up your sleeve for next year?
God: I could, but I’d have to kill you. Ha, ha, ha! That’s a joke.
YFC: Not so funny. Give me a taste.
God: DA Larry Krasner will seek the death penalty for a murderer.
YFC: You’re pulling my leg.
God: Anything’s possible. The Eagles won the Super Bowl! Happy New Year.