The Almighty talks Eagles, Putin, and Krasner | Stu Bykofsky

The latest installment in a series of annual conversations between Your Favorite Columnist and God.

God: Byko! Where were you for our 2017 chat?

YFC: I explained that last year. My best friend died, and I held you responsible.

God: Moi? Where’d that come from?

YFC: Oh, I don’t know — the all-knowing, the all-seeing … that’s your brand, isn’t it?

God: And you also believe “better taste, less filling”?

YFC: You mean, “Tastes great, less filling.”

God: Be careful whom you are correcting, binky.

YFC: Sorry. How about the usual year in review?

God: Two words: Eagles, Super Bowl.

YFC: That’s three words.

God: I swear, you’re getting on my last nerve.

YFC: What do you know about the #MeToo movement?

God: The Irish band?

YFC: That’s U2. Never mind. A lot of women were elected to Congress. Did you have a hand in that?

God: After dogs, women are my favorite creation.

YFC: That’s why you fashioned them from a man’s rib?

God: Don’t believe everything you see on Fox News. I am the deity, by the way. I am not “male.”

YFC: The apostles all used the male pronoun for you.

God: The male apostles, sure. What do you expect?

YFC: Were there female apostles?

God: Amber, Kitty, Brittany, Destiny, Tyra, Brooklyn, Stormy.

YFC: They sounds like strippers.

God: You have a fresh mouth. Just like Democrats. Some of them got real excited when they heard that the last white male went extinct.

YFC: That was the white male northern rhinoceros.

God: Ending the patriarchy has to start somewhere. Heh-heh.

YFC: Let’s change the subject. What’s with all the floods, droughts, and fires?

God: It’s almost biblical, right? It’s a warning.

YFC: President Trump doesn’t believe in climate change.

God: Ha, hahhhaaaaa, hahahahaa. You’re cracking me up. Didn’t you write something almost two years ago saying you didn’t think he’d finish one term, let alone two?

YFC: I did write that, yes.

God: You also predicted the Eagles would lose the Super Bowl.

YFC: Yes, and I ate that column.

God: Well, you won’t have to eat the Trump column.

YFC: Wait! Are you telling me —

God: Can’t say. Confidential.

YFC: You’re an awful tease, but let’s move on. There’s a lot of turmoil about mass migration. How do you feel about that?

God: Mary and Joseph migrated to Egypt. No wall. So that’s how I feel about that. I made land masses, not nations.

YFC: You also made races.

God: Sonny, there is one race — human. I threw in different skin colors to be artistic. I see that was a mistake.

YFC: How do you feel about Russia interfering with U.S. elections?

God: Putin got experience by fixing his own, the Stalin wannabe. I gave him a dose of tinnitus for Christmas.

YFC: Speaking of leaders, did President Bush get to you all right?

God: Oh, yes, he’s here. So’s John McCain. He and Burt Reynolds are playing with the cherubs. I’m going to have to keep an eye on them.

YFC: Can you tell me anything about what you have up your sleeve for next year?

God: I could, but I’d have to kill you. Ha, ha, ha! That’s a joke.

YFC: Not so funny. Give me a taste.

God: DA Larry Krasner will seek the death penalty for a murderer.

YFC: You’re pulling my leg.

God: Anything’s possible. The Eagles won the Super Bowl! Happy New Year.