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9 SEPTA tips for Joe Biden, who may be Philadelphia’s newest commuter

The El *is* the fastest way to get from 30th Street to most other places in Center City.

Joe Biden, then vice president, sitting at the controls inside Amtrak's "Cities Sprinter" locomotive February 6, 2014. Now that his campaign has announced its headquarters will be in Philadelphia, could he become SEPTA's newest commuter?
Joe Biden, then vice president, sitting at the controls inside Amtrak's "Cities Sprinter" locomotive February 6, 2014. Now that his campaign has announced its headquarters will be in Philadelphia, could he become SEPTA's newest commuter?Read moreTOM GRALISH / Staff Photographer

The Market-Frankford Line is about to get Joe Biden’d.

Well, maybe. On Thursday morning, Philadelphia learned it will soon be home to the 2020 presidential campaign headquarters of the former vice president who’s seen as the clear front-runner in the Democratic field (which grows wider by the day). The campaign says the office will be somewhere in Center City.

He’s gotta get there somehow, right?

Biden is notorious for his love of train travel. For years, he commuted to and from Wilmington, Del. via Amtrak, which of course also drops off passengers at 30th Street Station. And sure, he could probably ride from the station — or the Penn Biden Center in University City — on a campaign bus or in a line of black Escalades.

Or he could do what the rest of us do: Take the El.

Here are some tips for Biden before he boards this city’s most-used public transit line:

1. No speaking before 9 a.m.

Look, we get it. You’re a chatty guy, and you’re trying to win over every last Pennsylvanian you can. But when you’re on the El, it’s important to avoid speaking during the morning commute. The last thing your fellow commuters in a claustrophobic zombie state want to hear about is your prescription drug plan. Best blend in with the other subway business-folk and save the performances for the afternoons or the evening rush. Better yet, do it inside 30th Street Station.

Should awkward eye contact happen with someone on the El and it’s before 9 a.m., even if you know them, do what the rest of us Philadelphians do: Nod.

Don’t point. Nod.

2. Get your to-go ice cream in a dish.

Besides making gaffes, your most common meme is your well-documented affinity for ice cream cones. While we do recommend you, at some point, take the El right past Center City and get off at Second Street for a cone from Franklin Fountain, we have another recommendation: Avoid the cone on public transit. No one wants to ruin their pants and/or shoes because of your sticky drips. May we recommend a tiny dish?

3. If you’re standing on the train, grab a pole, not someone’s shoulders.

Self-explanatory.

4. Allot extra time to reload your SEPTA Key card.

Within the last couple years, Philadelphia entered the 21st century and the transit authority unveiled SEPTA Key, a digital payment system that allowed us to do away with tokens once and for all. Hooray! Problem is, like SEPTA, the Key system is... getting there.

It takes way longer than you would expect to reload your card at one of those kiosks, in which time you will likely watch at least one train go by while you frustratingly bang on the side of the machine screaming, “WHY ARE YOU STILL PROCESSING MY CREDIT CARD?” We recommend giving yourself time at the station to load that card -- a half hour should do it.

Or just reload it online beforehand.

5. Let the people off before you get on.

This rule is probably the most broken in all of Philadelphia, besides perhaps that you’re not supposed to park in the middle of South Broad Street. When you’re standing on the platform, give people a bit of space and time to get off before you board. I promise there will be enough time.

If for some reason it’s a close one, you can do the thing many of us do: Hulk out right as the doors are closing and pry them open. This power move may actually win you some votes.

6. Take the empty seat if you’re standing right in front of it.

Or make sure to move and let someone else sit. As Philadelphia native/extremely online person Mikey Ilagan recently pointed out:

If the El’s crowded, please take a seat so others can fill your standing space.

7. Do not manspread.

When you plop down on one of those plastic seats, be cognizant of those (women) around you and keep your legs within the confines of a single seat. You see, manspreading is an epidemic here in Philadelphia. Be a part of the solution, not the problem. Shut 'em.

8. No canoodling.

No one wants to see couples necking while we’re all in close proximity. This includes extended bro hugs.

9. Take the El. All the time.

If you’re trying to get from 30th Street or West Philly to wherever your headquarters will be in Center City (inside the Comcast building?), the El’s really the best way to do it. It’s one of the main arteries of our city, and it carries Philadelphians from every walk of life.

So we’ll let you in on a little secret, Joe: Like Sheetz, it isn’t actually as bad as Philadelphians say it is.