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Lisa Scottoline: One size does not fit all

You may have heard about the all-female space walk last week by NASA astronauts Christina Koch and Jessica Meir.They left the spaceship to fix a battery charger.

You may have heard about the all-female space walk last week by NASA astronauts Christina Koch and Jessica Meir.

They left the spaceship to fix a battery charger.

I'm not surprised that was the problem, are you?

I bet the astronauts had the same problem I do, which is the white cord gets worn away near the end, so when you plug it into your computer, it won’t charge the battery.

Don't you hate when that happens?

I just got a new phone, which supposedly has longer battery life, but you know it doesn’t. Sometimes a low battery will prevent you from shopping online or talking to your daughter on the phone. And other times it will force you into the cosmos with a screwdriver.

I was delighted to hear that the two female astronauts finally got to walk in space, as I remember that a few months ago, their mission was aborted because NASA could not find two space suits in a women’s size.

The problem was both women wanted a medium.

I'm not kidding.

For once, I’m actually serving up true facts.

Usually I write a humor column that is completely fact-free, but this time I'm writing a factual column that happens to be funny, thanks to a government agency.

Your tax dollars at work.

Generating chuckles, if not equality.

We can put a man on the moon, but he’d better be a man.

Because NASA has lots of ties and sports jackets and jockstraps, but, unfortunately, no skirts.

After all, the first woman was admitted into the space program only in 1978, so NASA didn’t have much time to go shopping.

Only 30 years.

Don’t rush them.

Not everybody likes the mall.

Especially men.

They’d have to sit there and hold the purses while the female astronauts are in the dressing room.

Maybe NASA doesn’t like to hold the purses.

And even women procrastinate on some shopping errands. For example, if I have to shop for a bathing suit, I put it off for, like, four years.

And before you know it, it’s 2019!

Of course we could always blame the female astronauts, who were probably crazy picky about their size.

You know how women get about space suits.

I know, because I'm the same way.

Next time I walk in space, I demand a medium.

I love medium.

I am medium.

Everyone who is medium knows that small can put you in a bad mood, which is not a good thing when you leave the International Space Station.

Anytime I leave the International Space Station, I’m stylin'.

But when I leave the house, I look like a pig.

Once I was in Wegmans, and a woman asked me if I was Lisa Scottoline.

I said no.

Otherwise it would have been too embarrassing.

Have you seen my author photo?

It’s fiction.

I hate large, too, because the sleeves hang down so you look like the most uncool astronaut ever, and you know there’s going to be pictures, maybe even selfies.

Meanwhile, the two female astronauts did take selfies, and it’s the coolest ever. In outer space!

Like, don’t back up.

Or maybe do?

Because you can’t fall backward.

Only sideways.

Or up.

Anyway, I don’t even know where to begin with the fact that NASA did not have two medium-size female space suits.

But I pay taxes, and so do you, and women are the majority on the planet, so it’s not completely crazy to imagine that there would be two female astronauts in the year 2019, and both of them would be medium.

You’d think NASA would’ve stocked up.

After all, Koch has a bachelor of science degree in electrical engineering and physics, and a master of science in electrical engineering. Meir holds a bachelor of arts in biology from Brown University, a master of science in space studies from the International Space University, and a doctorate in marine biology from Scripps Institution of Oceanography.

Maybe NASA could buy Spanx, so the women can squeeze their asses (and their brains) into the small.

In fact, according to one newspaper account, Meir has even “worked as an aquanaut in an underwater habitat.”


I go to the beach, does that count?

She’s an astronaut and an aquanaut!

There are superheroes who do less.

But I’m happy to report that the current class of NASA astronauts is half-female and half-male.

Unfortunately, the women will have to work naked.

Their new space suits will be arriving any day now, in 2050.

Look for Lisa and Francesca’s humor collection, “I See Life Through Rosé-Colored Glasses,” and the paperback of Lisa’s best-selling domestic thriller, “Someone Knows,” in stores now.