Holidays can be hard if you’re missing someone. Five tips from a grief professional on how to get through it.

The holidays are here. The lights are strung, the holiday music is on incessant repeat, and many of us are frantically finishing our shopping. For most, it’s a time of joy, holiday parties, and the occasional family drama.

Yet, as a grief professional, I know that this season brings a tremendous amount of sorrow. For some, it’s the first Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa since their loved one died. For others, it’s the 10th, but the absence still feels sharp and surprising.

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From my years of working with grieving children and families, I have heard all sorts of reasons why this season is hard. The holiday isn’t the same without Mom. No one can hang the outdoor lights like Dad could. Death has brought about a new stepfamily that adds a whole different layer of family drama to the holidays. For me, it’s every time I hear “O Holy Night,” which my mother often sang at church with her beautiful dramatic soprano voice, effortlessly hitting the highest note at the end.

So what do we do with the grief that sneaks up on us this season? Here are a few steps I recommend:

1. Make a plan. Set out a plan for how you want to engage in the holiday season. Think about the people you want to spend the season with, as well as those you might want to avoid. Examine the boundaries you need in place. Then, give yourself grace if your path diverges, your plan changes, or you fall short of the boundaries you had hoped for.

2. Grief doesn’t always look like we expect. As we continue edging through the holidays, many people don’t think they’re grieving, but they’ll cite all other sorts of issues: melancholy, irritability, fatigue, inability to focus, lethargy, overeating/drinking, and people-pleasing. What is not always understood is that these — and many other behaviors or habits — could be grief-related. Without judgment of yourself, watch for these behaviors and try to see what is causing them. It could be grief forcing its way in. Make room for it.

3. Find purpose or meaning beyond your pain. In his recent podcast about grief, Anderson Cooper interviewed President Joe Biden about his experiences of the loss of his first wife and two of his children. Biden said, “You have to find purpose beyond your pain.” We grief professionals refer to this as meaning-making, a critical step grievers need to take in therapy or as a task in mourning.

This step has personal meaning to me. It was critical to my journey of leaving my career as a lawyer, becoming a social worker, and dedicating my professional work to grief. Now, every day, I connect with my clients over our shared experiences of grief, reminding us that we are not alone. It makes meaning of my mom’s death when I was 15.

As you move into this holiday season, if you’re struggling with grief, I encourage you to think on the meaning and your purpose despite the pain you’ve experienced. You can also consider making a small first step, like donating to a charity that researches the disease your loved one had, or just giving back to a family in need. The pain of loss can give us a window into what others are facing. You can use that perspective, in ways big and small, to help make the world better.

4. Just say no. Don’t have dinner with family members who make you miserable. Don’t have holiday cocktails with the friend who always makes you feel like less. Don’t agree to open gifts with the stepfamily who disregards your mother’s death. It is healthy to set limits that make you feel safer.

5. Find a way to include the person you lost. I’ve worked with clients who have made a purpose of placing a picture of their son who died on the mantle among the twinkly garland. That way, he’s there for the holiday and sees all the hustle, bustle, and craziness. There are so many ways to bring your loved one into the holiday, whether it’s crafting a memory candle with your kids, making your mom’s Christmas cookies, or starting a new tradition that is uniquely yours.

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If you are experiencing big feelings this holiday season, know that what you are feeling is normal. Grief is a long arc. It travels along with us throughout our lives, and spikes in times like these. This holiday season, give yourself the gift of grace.

Darcy Walker Krause is the founder of Good Grief Gal LLC. She is a nationally recognized grief expert and is a board member of the National Alliance for Children’s Grief.