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Ban the cheesesteak. It’s the only way to save the planet.

Eating beef has wretched effects on the environment. If we don't give up cheesesteaks, we'll all starve. Luckily, I have a great idea for an alternative.

The cheesesteak with onions is photographed at Angelo’s Pizzeria in South Philly on Wednesday, Aug. 31, 2022.
The cheesesteak with onions is photographed at Angelo’s Pizzeria in South Philly on Wednesday, Aug. 31, 2022.Read moreHeather Khalifa / Staff Photographer

As a Philadelphian, I take no pleasure in what I’m about to say.

It’s time to ban the cheesesteak.

As a cheesesteak lover myself, giving up this Philly staple feels about as good as putting down the family dog, and tastes even worse. Not only that, but the cheesesteak is part of our city’s identity, our DNA. Can you imagine telling New Yorkers to stop eating pizza? Or Pittsburgh yinzers to stop eating garbage?

However, as this recent heat wave has reminded us, the global climate crisis continues to rumble forward unabated. Soaring temps, rising sea levels, even mass food shortages are closer to reality than ever before. If we don’t stop eating cheesesteaks, we will literally starve to death.

How did I arrive at this apostasy? Let’s start with the ingredients.

How did I arrive at this apostasy?

Beef: Eating meat — especially beef — has wretched effects on the environment. Every step of the beef production process is loaded with carbon emissions. Experts say it’s because cows don’t think about the climate as much as people do. I have no patience for mammals that think this way.

Cheese: Doesn’t matter whether you’re a “Wit Wiz” or a provolone guy. Cheese comes from the same place beef does — cows. For evidence of the climate-wrecking potential of cows, see point No. 1.

Bread: Bread production has less of an environmental impact than beef, but that’s not the issue. Should we really concern ourselves with Amoroso’s and its rolls, after the company moved to Jersey?

That’s the ingredients. How about the production? Terrible for the environment. Every employee at your favorite steak joint wears ocean-clogging disposable gloves while working the griddle. (I’ve taken to asking the cooks to remove their gloves before preparing my steak, but that alone won’t save the planet.)

Do you know how those griddles that cook your cheesesteak are powered? Neither do I, but whatever it is probably isn’t good.

What’s more, the cheesesteak has become such an icon that tourists will travel (i.e., emit carbon) vast distances just to sample our steaks. The best way to keep people from burning fossil fuels en route to your city is to give them fewer reasons to come visit in the first place. It’s just common sense.

Of course, it’s unreasonable to ask an entire city to wholesale abandon its signature dish and not present some tasty alternatives. Thus, I submit to you cheesesteak 2.0.

» READ MORE: The best Philly cheesesteak bracket

No beef: The key to sustainable food is to make what would normally be considered unsavory look as close to the good stuff as possible. You know what looks a lot like shredded beef? Shredded newsprint! Is there proof that eating newspaper is bad for you? If there is, I don’t believe it. Throw some hoisin sauce on the Inky’s Sports section and now you’ve got my attention.

No cheese: This is where it gets controversial. Some of my friends like to opt for a vegan cheese alternative, primarily because cows aren’t involved. My take? We should just walk away from eating cheese. We’ve given up on other preferred materials in the past, such as asbestos. Why is cheese any different?

Bread: As stated earlier, bread production is less harmful to the planet, but not completely harmless. By procuring the delicious rolls from Amoroso’s Bakery in South Jersey, which is not Philadelphia, we let them deal with any resulting pollution while keeping Philly clean. A clear win in the global battle against climate change.

See, giving up a cheesesteak isn’t so bad. In exchange for clear skies, fresh air, and pristine, non-flooding waterways, we just have to eat New Jersey bread filled with paper.

Seems like a no-brainer to me.

Matt McGarity is a climate activist in Philadelphia. He knew Ben Simmons would be a bust before anybody else.