An anti-Labor Day message for women

You’re being selfish.

That is the insult that is often used to deter women from taking care of themselves. Women are usually expected to nurture others and not themselves.

But what if women are giving too much? What if this imbalance is creating ailments, illnesses, and mental health issues that are creating a generation of women who are sick and tired of being sick and tired?

In 2018, I was working as a psychotherapist in private practice, seeing clients who were sharing their most traumatic moments and heartaches with me six days a week, often until 9:30 p.m. The long days, emotional load, and burden of having to be their life raft were overwhelming in themselves, but then I also had to start and end my days as a wife and mother to two very young children.

The seeds of my burnout were planted long before then. During grad school, I developed an aggressive case of shingles, an illness that is mostly seen in older people with a weakened immune system; researchers believe that shingles can also be caused by intense levels of stress. A few years later, I suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of both of my children, as I had no maternity leave and a caseload of clients who needed me to come back to work before I was physically and emotionally ready.

But I kept going, battling brain fog, the constant feeling of being overwhelmed, and a mix of depression and anxiety that lasted for years. I told myself I had to, no matter how exhausted I was, because being selfless is what women are supposed to do.

Then, in 2018, at 29 years old, with two small children at home, I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I was completely blindsided.

My care team consisted of some of the best doctors in the Philadelphia area, and thankfully I made a full recovery. But the experience shook me and forced me to reexamine my life and my choices. I realized that if I didn’t ever put myself first, my health would suffer. I realized I needed to start being selfish.

And I’m asking every woman to join me.

The need is urgent. Since the pandemic started, women have taken on even more roles than they had before. We’ve seen women juggling full-time careers, teaching responsibilities, housekeeping duties, and mental load-bearing in ways that we might not have been able to fathom just a few short years ago. And, of course, they are expected to do so with a smile.

We are taught to be selfless, and our mental and physical health is suffering because of this.

I believe that women need to prioritize moments of selfishness and rewrite the narrative of gender roles and expectations. If we can incentivize women to be selfish in the same ways that we do so with men (who get ample time for watching sports, or playing video games, or doing some “male-bonding”), we will likely see a multitude of positive results, including decreased rates of physical and mental health issues amongst women. And when we’re happier and healthier, so, too, will be the people around us. (See? You can even argue that it’s selfless to be selfish sometimes.)

This type of “self-care” will look different to everyone. It may be asking for more leave from work, setting boundaries by saying no to more things, renegotiating who does what with your partner to try and even out the household workload, or scheduling a night out with friends. It means prioritizing your needs and the things you want, whatever they are, in an effort to feel more balanced.

This Labor Day, let’s send the women in our lives an “anti-Labor Day” message — tell them to be a little selfish, and put themselves first.

Danielle Massi is the CEO of The Wellness Collective, a holistic healing space in Philadelphia, and the founder of the SELF(ISH)philly Conference.