Guest Blinqer Sam Wood contributed the following item for your exclusive enjoyment, exclusive in that no one else in the mainstream Philadelphia media has nailed a one-on-one with the Jersey-bred blood-sucker running for president:
Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey is running for president of the United States, but if Hillary Clinton needs help, he’s willing to run as her veep.
“Or vice-versa, if she wants,” Sharkey said. That sort of accomodation could go a long way.
Sharkey, 44, is running on the Vamypre, Witches and Pagans Party ticket. According to the Federal Elections Commission, and yes, VWPP files, his headquarters is based in Toms River, New Jersey.
He describes himself as a satanic priest and “honest-to-Lucifer” blood-sucking vampire. When night falls, he claims to have supernatural strength.
So when the phone rings at 3 a.m., well, he's likely to be up.
“I actually like Hillary. But you can’t expect a woman to go up alone against thugs and terrorists,” Sharkey said. “Our enemies don’t respect their own women. Hillary will need a pitbull standing behind her.”
The presidential bid isn’t Sharkey’s first stab at public office. A Jersey native, he was born in Elizabeth, and had a brief and notorious run in 2006 for Governor in Minnesota.
Sharkey considers himself a family-values candidate, though he concedes his idea of law and order is “medieval."
He’d like to see his enemies, and the foes of the United States, impaled on wooden stakes.
“I am anti-abortion and believe in the sanctity of the family,” said Sharkey, the father of three children. “Law-abiding citizens have no reason to fear me. But watch out, criminals and terrorists.”
He has threatened to skewer bin-Laden and other Middle Eastern insurgents if given the chance.
Originally a Republican, Sharkey said he quit the GOP after the election of George W. Bush.
“My allegiance remains to the Republicans,” Sharkey said. “But it’s not to King George or any of his cronies.”
Sharkey believes he could save the nation billions of dollars and a lot of aggravation if President Bush would accept his challenge to battle mano-a-vampyre on the White House lawn.
“Winner takes America,” Sharkey said. “And he can bring Dick Cheney or any other crony he wants.”
Sharkey, a full-time witch and part-time professional wrestler (currently on tour in Indiana), insists his candidacy is serious.
“This country needs a revolution,” he said. “And I’m the one to lead it.”
At $4 a gallon, the price of gasoline is “outrageous,” said Sharkey.
“If it goes any higher, I’m going to have to learn how to fly a broom,” he said.
Sharkey expects a hard fight.
His religious beliefs may be held against him, Sharkey acknowledges, but mentions John F. Kennedy and Mitt Romney as trailblazers for Roman Catholics and Mormons.
“I will do the same for Satan-worshipers,” he said. “I believe, like our Founding Fathers, that everyone has the right to worship any god or goddess they chose.”
Sharkey is a veteran of multiple political campaigns. He worked to elect Christine Todd Whitman, Jeb Bush and Bob Dole, and has run (unsucessfully) for congressional seats in Union County and in Florida.
He keeps up his strength on the campaign trail by drinking blood, usually enough to fill a small orange glass, he said.
“When feeding off a live person, I have to be careful I don’t drink them dry,” Sharkey said.
He sips only from his intimate friends, he said -- and “only women."
When he can’t find human blood, he has alternatives. Though that’s not what he prefers.
“I drink cow’s blood a pint at a time,” he said. “It’s not as good, but it helps keep my youth and virility.”
Sharkey insists his vampyrism (he prefers to spell it with a “Y”) is real.
“Who in the world," he asks, "would want to subject themseves to the ridicule and discrimination like have have been for coming out of the coffin unless they are truly what they said?”
What can you add to that? A Q & A.
Q: When is your next campaign event?
A: I’m always campaigning. But I prefer to do it sporadically. I don’t like it to look staged. I’m trying to break the stereotype of what a candidate is.
Q: What did you do before you became a wrestler and politician?
A: I was in the Army for two years. I was a paratrooper before a jumping accident. I’m also a rhythm guitar player … and a true blood sucker.
Q: How long have you been a vampyre?
A: I’ve known since I was a little boy.
Q: How long have you been drinking blood?
A: Through my adult life.…If I don’t feed once or twice a week, I start aging more and become vulnerable.
Q: What do your children think? Do they know you are a vampyre? How do they feel about you being in the spotlight?
A: They don't like the fact their father is a satanic practicing witch. They’re cool with it.… They understand the problems with having a world-famous dad.
Q: What did you think about “Impaler,” the documentary film released last year about your gubanatorial run?
A: It’s a bunch of lies. A documentary is supposed to be nonfiction. [Director] Tray White decided to make a name for himself by using me.
Q: What did White get wrong?
A: He said filming started on Jan. 13 in Princeton. He didn’t start until the 16th.
Q: What issues are you running on?
A: The first thing: Order all our troops home. Tell the Middle East to turn over Osama bin Laden and the insurgants, or the minute I take over I will level their countries. I will drop bombs and roast them like pigs. The flames of Hades will be unleashed.”
Q: Any others?
A: Second, I want better benefits and medical care for our war veterans. Look what happened at Walter Reed Army Hospital. You have guys coming back from Iraq and they aren’t properly taken care of.
Third, I want education — not only for children but for adults. I was blessed going through college as the computer age was taking off. But many older adults are caught behind the 8-ball because they don't have the tools to compete in today's job market.
Fourth, I’d definitely clean up law enforcement and the judicial system. Make it fair and just for everybody. Just look at Hurricane Carter. It was a travesty of justice he was locked up.
Q: Anything else we should know about you?
A: Two things. Though I’m a satanic vampyre Hecate witch, I believe America was destined from the beginning of time to take care of Israel, because if you look at the word Jerusalem, you see right in the middle there’s USA.
Q: The other?