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Joe Paterno abridged

Penn State coach Joe Paterno just wrapped up his weekly teleconference. Here are the highlights with additional commentary from yours truly (bored) in parentheses:

1. It took only one question for Paterno to pump up Temple. "This will be the best team we've played this year," he said. (Crazy as it may seem, that's probably true. Still, the Owls are 28-point underdogs.)

2. Paterno is concerned about the weight of freshman defensive tackle Brandon Ware, who is supposedly up to 370 pounds (!). (Ware's bowel movements are bigger than kicker Kevin Kelly.)

3. Temple over-compliment No. 3: Paterno gushes over Owls quarterback Adam DiMichele. "He's the best we've played so far," coach said. (Take that, William Richardson!)

4. To avoid his players looking ahead, Paterno plans to threaten his players. (I'm sure that will work.)

5. Paterno said there's a chance backup defensive tackle Mike Lucian (sprained ankle) could be healthy enough to play Saturday. He did not address the Maurice Evans-Abe Koroma situation, although he was asked twice about their status. (Please, Lord, let Paterno either announce the players are back on the team or that they've been kicked off the team. This whole drama feels like I'm sitting through Medillin.)

6. Is the quarterback situation still fluid after Pat Devlin's performance on Saturday? Don't ask Paterno. "I don't like to tie myself down to something when I don't have to," he said. (Except coaching, of course.)

7. In case you missed it, university president Graham Spanier invited Centre County DA Mike Madeira to speak with many of Penn State's student-athletes about their roles in town and on campus. Paterno was asked what he thought of it. He said he understood Spanier's doing so, didn't know if any of his players attended and said Spanier and Madeira can kiss his 81-year-old @#$^%$$. (Just kidding about the last part.)

8. Responding to what he surely considered the best question of the press conference, Paterno said that when searching for a long snapper, "Sometimes when you don't have one, you have to make one." (Sounds like good advice for my story tomorrow.)