The Phillies, with the infinite talent their farm system contains, reached into Lehigh Valley for a body to replace the injured Chase Utley. They came out with Michael Martinez, the guy who can play every position, but none of them well; and also, he can't hit.

But it's Friday, so let's ignore all of the horribleness this situation will create and watch this video of Martinez hitting a home run left-handed, and pretend that's actually an indication of his true skill.

NATIONALS' LEAGUE

The Phillies open a series with the devastatingly mediocre Washington Nationals today, in the wake of Washington's endless scandals; FenceGate, HarperGate, and now T-shirtGate.

First, Bryce Harper swore he'd never slow down, before noticeably slowing down and costing the Nats a win. Then, closer Rafael Soriano publicly chastised Harper for his actions. Now, it has surfaced that Nationals pitching coach Steve McCatty is a former PlayGirl model, leading to pitcher Gio Gonzalez making t-shirts for everybody.

It's fair to ask at this, point when will the scandals end?  Why can't the Nationals have a nice, decent clubhouse full of mediocre, aging players, like the Phillies; a place where guys like Delmon Young and eventually Carlos Zambrano can feel at home?

HELL OF A DRAFT CLASS

Phil Jackson doesn't have to be coaching a championship playoff team to make headlines. All he has to do is state his opinion on the Michael vs. Kobe debate.

Naturally, Jackson went with neither.

It is Bill Russell whom Jackson prefers to build his hypothetical dream team around, news that shocked the theoretical media and caused instant tension in the locker room of Phil Jackson's Made Up, Nonexistent NBA Fantasy Team.

BEER ME

The Orioles' Nate McClouth got the Wrigley Field treatment last night in Toronto. After making a running catch and spilling into the stands, McClouth seemed to horrify Blue Jays fans for some reason.

The fans started trying to make the argument that he dropped the ball, without realizing that no umpire has ever turned to the stands, shrugged, and asked "I DON'T KNOW, DID YOU GUYS SEE IT?" (Although it seems like we might be headed for that this year).

Regardless, this wasn't good enough for those infamous Blue Jays fans, who sent a beer can hurdling down at McClouth from the upper deck. Certainly a longer throw than the Cubs fans launched at Shane Victorino, but nowhere near as accurate.