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Roy Halladay implosion therapy

It’s time to crawl out of bed, lie to your family when they ask if you’re okay, and focus on what’s good in life.

It happened again. After several starts of promising pitching, Phillies folk legend and also normal baseball legend Roy Halladay got annihilated on Sunday, this time by baseball's most laughable franchise.

The facts are that Doc gave up nine earned runs, a litany of extra base hits, issued four walks, and hit Justin Ruggiano with the ball, twice.

So now, it's time to crawl out of bed, lie to your family when they ask if you're okay, and focus on what's good in life.

For instance, The Fightins already has a list of Phillies-centric stories to soothe the pain. But this may be the perfect time to realize there are so many more stories than those devastating ones about the Phillies.

This one about a guide dog chasing down an idiot teenager

We'll start with a blind woman whose home was broken into by a local teenager/her next door neighbor/just the dumbest criminal ever.

The woman's guide dog not only chased the ruffian from the premises, but returned from taking out the trash to lead her to the phone and call the police. The kid had turned her gas stove on, so the dog had to act quickly before the house filled with toxic fumes.

Kids these days; dumb enough to break into their neighbors' homes, not in good enough shape to outrun a large, ferocious animal.

Don't you already feel better?

No? Still hurts? Yes, it does.

All right, let's keep moving.

This montage of a fishing show host falling down a lot

Bill Dance is a skilled fisherman and TV personality, and nothing beats the string of barely-profane colloquialisms that come spewing out of his head when things start going horribly wrong.

This one about Tony Romo being an "elite quarterback"

Remember Tony Romo's contract extension? Well, here's Cowboys tight end Jason Witten not only defending it, but referring to Romo as an "elite quarterback," taking that adjective and ruining it forever.

"I think in any organization where you have an elite quarterback like that, you want him to feel comfortable," Witten actually said.

e·lite [ih-leet, ey-leet]


1.(often used with a plural verb) the choice or best of anything considered collectively, as of a group or class of persons.


This one where a baby duck falls asleep on a desk

I mean.

This one about the Phillies having a monstrous pitching prospect

If there's one thing a team with 20+ mascots can do well, it's merchandise. The Reading Fightins' souvenir shop is now flooded with new items, including LEGO figures, Crazy Hot Dog Vendor plush toys, and brightly colored monkeys.

It takes a lot to escape baseball in Reading. The best idea is to just succumb to it. And why not? It's home to No. 1 Phillies prospect and current Minor League Pitcher of the Month, Jesse Biddle, who probably struck a guy out while I was typing this sentence.