Zoo With Roy wrote up a fake letter from Ryne Sandberg to Shake Shack to address the food poisoning the Phillies manager received from the establishment just days ago.
In the letter, Ryne Sandberg offers to send Shake Shack "medical documentaries" proving that "until recently," his "bowel movements have been regular and solid in nature."
At this point, at the end of the second paragraph, you're probably thinking, "Hey now; this letter about poop that is appearing only on a self-described "Phillies-centric bolg featuring nonsense" run by a cartoon penguin may not be totally legit."
Unfortunately, if you're thinking this, your name is not ESPN business analyst Darren Rovell.
Rovell, famous on Twitter for generating some of the more useless sports business info, bragging about 'breaking' a story on Olympic uniforms from a mall in New Jersey, and having his romantic advances rejected on national TV by Kate Upton while his pregnant wife watched at home, seems to have believed this was an attempt at fraud.
Any human being without a turnip for a brain likely read further and found even more clues that perhaps this wasn't the real Ryne Sandberg writing.
"There's no time for erudizing if you're energizing."
"Don't be afraid to sit your long-time baker down for a spell (on his "buns". LOL) and replace him with the janitor because you don't like the cut of his jib."
"I, quite frankly, feel this experience has made me stronger mentally, despite the noted gastrointestinal complications of my illness."
Thank you, Darren. Now we finally know the TRUTH.