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Enough of this gimmicky Chip Kelly offense! If he can't make his team work without a real quarterback or a functioning secondary than he doesn't belong in this town! That's what we do in Philadelphia! We take things that don't seem like they're going to work and then we force them to work! And then we yell at them when they don't! In fact, maybe the town is the problem! Yeah!

Now let's all sail this ornamental ship that's welded to the dock on a voyage to somewhere else, where the offenses don't rely on college tricks that will never work in the NFL!

No I will NOT keep my voice down! This is my vessel now! I'm in charge! We're sailing to a faraway land, where the Eagles made the playoffs!

E-A-G-L-[is tasered by police officer rolling his eyes]