T

HIS PHONE CALL did not actually happen - at least, we don't think it did:

T. TERRIFIC: Hello. Yes, this is Tom.

BIG 5: Tom, how're you doing? It's Donovan. Yeah, that Donovan, former Chunky Soup pitchman, the guy whose Sunday you helped ruin in Super Bowl XXXIX.

T. TERRIFIC: Hey, D-Mac. How's it going?

BIG 5: Well, to be honest, it's been a hell of a weekend, and frankly, that little stunt you pulled the other day hasn't helped things any.

What were you thinking, man? How could you do that to me, I mean, us? For who? For what?

T. TERRIFIC: Excuse me, I'm afraid I'm a little lost.

BIG 5: Come on, Tom. We all found out what you did - restructuring your contract so Billy-boy could fleece Ancient Al and get Randy Moss from Oakland for a fourth-round draft pick.

We know that even though Randy took a huge pay cut, you moved your money around so that he could be fit under the salary cap.

You had to know how that would make the rest of us quarterbacks look. You had to know how many problems that would cause us.

T. TERRIFIC: Look, Don, I'm sorry you're taking things that way. I just did what I thought was right to improve our chances of winning a fourth Super Bowl in the last 7 years.

You know Peyton beat us in the AFC Championship Game last season and then won his first Super Bowl. Now that he and the Colts have gotten that monkey off their backs, we will be really challenged this season.

I want to get back on top. You know what that's like.

Umm, sorry, I guess you don't, but believe me; it's well worth playing with the numbers a little bit.

Besides, all I did was restructure. I'm not going to actually lose any money.

BIG 5: Sure, that's great for you, but what about me, I mean, the rest of us? Eagles fans, I mean, fans of every other team are looking at me, I mean, their quarterback, and saying, "If Super Bowl Tom did that, why couldn't you?"

All they see is that New England got a game-breaking receiver for a bargain-basement price, a guy who fit under the salary cap because the high-paid quarterback restructured his deal.

How am I, I mean, the rest of us, supposed to respond to that?

T. TERRIFIC: Gee, Don, I guess I never thought about it like that.

All I saw was that after putting the franchise tag on Asante Samuel, signing Adalius Thomas from Baltimore, your guy, Donté Stallworth, and receiver Kelly Washington in free agency, and drafting safety Brandon Meriweather two spots ahead of yours, we could almost gift-wrap Super Bowl XLII by getting Moss.

We're loaded, baby.

Can you imagine what it will be like, throwing to Moss and Stallworth after getting by with Troy Brown, Reche Caldwell and Jabar Gaffney?

BIG 5: It's probably going to be like when I got Terrell Owens after living with Charles Johnson, Torrance Small, James Thrash and Todd Pinkston for all those seasons.

But just remember, Moss is a pain in the rear, just like T.O. Remember how T.O. tore up our team the year after we went to the Super Bowl.

T. TERRIFIC: I guess that's why we gave Moss only a 1-year deal for chump change. If he goofs off too much, well just let him walk after our Super Bowl parade.

Look, I can tell you're getting a little sore. Let's change the subject.

So, how's the rehab going?

BIG 5: Fine, although you wouldn't know it after what Andy, Joe and Jeffrey did to me on Saturday.

Can you believe that instead of drafting a player who can help us now, they took Kevin Kolb with the first pick? A quarterback. My heir-apparent.

Frankly, I'm surprised they didn't move up and grab Brady Quinn when he started to free fall.

T. TERRIFIC: Don. You're looking at it all wrong. Every team needs two quality quarterbacks.

Remember what happened up here? We had Drew Bledsoe, the No. 1 overall pick in a draft. He was our franchise quarterback, but he got hurt.

Imagine what would have happened if I had not been on the roster. I stepped in for Drew and went on to win three Super Bowls.

By the way, did you know Drew just retired, because Tony Romo took over for him in Dallas?

BIG 5: That's supposed to make me feel better? Thanks for nothing, Tom. You're some piece of work. *

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