Joe Sixpack: Calorie-counters, not all beer is equal

HOW MANY calories are in your favorite beer? There's almost no way to know for sure.

Unlike most all other food products in America, beer, wine and spirits are exempt from the federal Food & Drug Administration's nutritional labeling requirements. Those labels we squint at while grazing in the supermarket for low-fat Cheez Doodles are absent from beer packaging.

"Even mom-and-pop oatmeal cookie companies have to divulge their nutritional data," author Bob Skilnik said. "Why not brewers and vintners?"

Mandatory labeling is on the horizon, Skilnik said. But until federal alcohol regulators get their act together, the longtime Chicago beer writer has taken it upon himself to painstakingly collect the data.

By mining Web sites, interviewing brewers and assembling rough calculations, he's produced the world's first comprehensive guide to nutritional values of beer, "Does My Butt Look Big in This Beer?" (Gambrinus Media, $10).

Besides calories, the book details the carbohydrates, alcohol by volume and Weight Watchers points of 2,000 beers from around the world.

Personally, I don't give a spit how many calories are in my beer. I drink it for purely hedonistic enjoyment; the last thing I want while draining my bottle is to glance down and see one of those nanny labels wagging its finger at me.

With that caveat, Skilnik's book is an eye-opener, especially for calorie-counters who believe all beer is created equal.

Pull a bottle of Victory Prima Pils from the fridge, and you're enjoying a hoppy, full-flavored lager for just 171 calories. Reach for Victory Golden Monkey instead, and you're looking at 281.

Care for a stout? A bottle of Guinness is just 125 calories. You could drink three of them before you reach the 400 calories in a single bottle of Bell's Expedition Stout.

Those obsessed with Weight Watchers points are going to love/hate this book. The all-sacred points are easy-to-remember, trademarked numbers that are the product of a food's calories, fat and fiber. (Daily total point intake depends on weight and range from about 20 points for women to 26 for men.)

For years, franchised diet gurus have instructed their followers that a 12-ounce serving of "regular beer" equals 3 points, as if there's no difference between a pale ale and a Belgian-style tripel.

Jean Nidetch, allow me to introduce you to Sam Calagione, the brewer at Dogfish Head whose 120 Minute IPA rings in at nine - yes, nine - points. A single bottle equals, um, lunch.

The wide range in calories didn't shock Skilnik. After all, he said, these are "big-flavored beers," so it's "only natural" they're going to contain more malt and carbohydrates.

The bigger surprise, he said, came in the light beer sector.

Because there are no federal calorie limits on light beer, they vary from the Kate Mossy 64 calories of Beck's Light to the Jessica Simpsonesque 123 calories of Keystone Light.

The new Redhook Slim Chance, advertised as a light ale "for guys with an active lifestyle and an appetite for adventure," contains 125 calories. That's five calories more than Rolling Rock, a lager presumably intended for couch potatoes with an appetite for Twinkies.

These minute calorie ranges point to the absurdity of light beer. The difference between, say, insipid Milwaukee Light (119 calories) and spicy Flying Fish Extra Pale Ale (148 calories) is the equivalent of those five potato chips you stuffed into your mouth.

Yes, I know, every calorie counts. And consumers oughta know what they're putting in their mouths.

But leafing through this book, I couldn't help but pity the poor schnook who, in pursuit of iron abs, gives up refreshing Straub beer (128 calories) in favor of virtually taste-free Straub Light (96 calories). You'd burn up the difference in the time it takes to walk up a flight of steps to take a pee.

Still, in an age when the nation's best-seller is a diet beer (Bud Light), I know I'm in the minority. So here's some nutritional info for other brands, courtesy of "Does My Butt Look Big in This Beer?"

(Note: There's no fat or cholesterol in beer; all numbers below are based on a 12-ounce serving.)

MGD 64: 64 calories, 2.4 carbohydrate grams, 1 Weight Watchers point.

Bare Knuckle Stout: 110, 7, 2.

Grolsch Blonde Lager: 120, 12, 2.

Abita Purple Haze: 128, 11, 2.

Budweiser: 145, 11, 3.

Coors: 149, 12, 3.

Yuengling Lager: 150, 12, 3.

Franziskaner Hefe-Weisse: 153, 10, 3.

Anchor Steam: 155, 16, 3.

Appalachian Peregrine Pilsner: 160, 16, 3.

Budweiser American Ale: 177, 17, 3.

Allagash Dubbel: 209, 19, 4.

Rogue Dead Guy Ale: 216, 22, 4.

Flying Dog Gonzo Imperial Porter: 269, 19, 5.

Three Floyds Dreadnaught Imperial IPA: 316, 32, 6.

Sierra Nevada Bigfoot Ale: 330, 32, 7.

Avery The Beast: 480, 41, 10.

Samuel Adams Triple Bock: 636, n/a, 12. *

"Joe Sixpack" by Don Russell appears weekly in Big Fat Friday. For more on the beer scene in Philly and beyond, visit www.joesixpack.net. Send e-mail to joesixpack@phillynews.com.