If we stop mentioning D***** T****, will he go away? Can we fire him?
The developer, whom the late Spy magazine dubbed a "short-fingered vulgarian," trends more nouveau than riche. Prone to gold-encrusted kitsch and Barnum-like theatrics, he plans to moderate a Dec. 27 GOP debate.
First problem: The word moderate, emphasis on the first syllable, is not in T****'s lexicon.
He's Sideshow D**, his hair a feat of improbable architecture. (Not to brag or anything, but I've touched that fiery meringue.) His reality show/casino floorshow makes a belated Christmas present for Democrats, Jon Stewart, and reporters while, understandably, sending serious Republicans into apoplectic fits.
Karl Rove said, "We've got a guy who is not only saying 'I'm going to make a decision about who I'm gonna endorse shortly after this debate and I'm already leaning some way - and I may run myself,' and we expect him to be the impartial moderator of the debate?" Former Bush press secretary Ari Fleischer said T**** "risks making a carnival out of a serious presidential campaign."
To which we ask, is Fleischer following the same GOP race we are?
The one that manages to combine the worst aspects of every reality show. I'm already wistful for that early period when The Amazing Race resembled The Bachelor, with GOP leadership pining for Mitch Daniels, Chris Christie, Haley Barbour, and John Thune only to have the rose rejected.
Remember the months of What Will Sarah Do? Palin suffers from celebrity Attention Deficit Disorder, requiring that all attention focus on her and her family. She's the political equivalent of Kate Gosselin.
The bloviating hotelier also suffers from pronounced celebrity ADD. And Rove is wrong: T**** will never run for office because he'd have to disclose his true financial worth instead of promoting the fiction of his billions. Hence, he wants to control the debate: all the posturing with few facts.
You'll be shocked to learn that T**** is between shows but not books. On Monday, the Trollope of monetary self-help tomes published It's Time to Get Tough: Making America #1 Again. By the way, that's his advice. Get tough! It's time!
If only Herman Cain had run a few weeks longer! He could flaunt his intellectual mastery of Libya, Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan and the Pokemon oeuvre.
In his exit speech, Cain quoted from - you can't possibly make this up - Pokémon: The Movie 2000 theme song, "Life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, it's never easy when there is so much on the line. But you and I can make a difference."
This was shocking. First, and not that I speak from personal experience, but so many parents perfected the skill of sleeping through Pokémon movies that it's a wonder anyone can quote from these works of stunningly rudimentary yet lucrative animation. Second, when Cain uttered these words in the summer, he credited "a poet," demonstrating that there's a thin line between, say, Ezra Pound and Pikachu.
Where Cain failed, Newt will provide. The idea of Newt and T**** on the same stage, two herculean egos that could easily sink a battleship, is akin to a heavyweight bout. While the short-fingered vulgarian runs the T**** Entrepreneur Initiative (once known as T**** University), the former Speaker of the House views himself as a paid historian to Freddie Mac and an heir to Charles de Gaulle - but, you know, without the military service.
A few months from now, possibly weeks, the circus will leave town. Grownups will wrest control of the GOP race. T**** will return to his core competency: firing D-list celebrities on television from nonexistent jobs. Stolid, qualified Mitt Romney will most likely be the nominee. And we'll look back at this year of magical thinking and improbable politics and wonder, "What in the world were we thinking?"