Rejoice, brethren (and sistren): Not one famous actor - or music producer - was accused of murder in all of 2007.
Yet as our sad, fragile little world stares down the barrel of a new year to come, it's time to own up to all the other crimes and misdemeanors perpetrated this year by Western culture's latest, greatest cadre of elites,
The terrible trio (+ one)
Even though more and more luminaries have signed up to be goody-two-shoes, in the name of the environment, world hunger or Africa, plenty of celebs still behaved like jackasses.
And none more so than the latter-day version of the Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse,
, former Mouseketeer
LiLo virtually tore a hole in the space-time continuum bouncing in and out of rehab - that is, when she wasn't busy racking up DUI arrests. (Two big ones this year.) LiLo, who finally did time in a luxurious Utah rehab, landed an onerous sentence for both busts: one day in jail and 10 days community service. We have wept for her.
Does Brit eat her young?
woke up one day this year to find herself on the dark side of the deep end. Brit, whose first marriage lasted 55 hours, is all about the quickie. So it was no surprise that in less than three days in February she: checked into a rehab in Antigua only to leave less than 24 hours later; flew back to California, where she got her head shaved; checked into a Malibu rehab; fled after one night, and returned hours later. (She stayed a whole month.)
Brit, who seems to be regarded as the worst parent since
the Greek god who ate his own children, is in the midst of a custody death match with her ex,
, over that ill-fated couple's two sons.
Paris: 22 days in heck
got serious street cred this year for serving real jail time - 22 days behind bars in June for violating probation, which stemmed from an earlier DUI case.
DUI busts: An epidemic
A specter is haunting Tinseltown - the specter of drunken driving.
DUI busts have become far too commonplace among the glitterati and celebutantes. Busted celebs this year include
(we haven't forgotten her),
Rebecca De Mornay, Gus Van Sant
, country singer
, who, like Paris, must serve time behind bars, for what turns out to be his third DUI conviction.
The ever-inventive pugilistic thesp
managed to get cited for driving drunk on his Vespa scooter. But no one outdid the Ironic Buddha himself,
Lost in Translation
star was arrested in September in Stockholm on suspicion of driving a
through street traffic while intoxicated.
Drugs, booze and rehab
, better known in America as the former lover of
, spent much of the year in and out of London courtrooms on DUI and drug possession charges, and rotated through numerous rehab programs.
His compatriot, nuevo-retro-soul chanteuse
, had a similarly hairy year, and continues to walk that thin line between life and drug-induced oblivion.
Pickled, with burger
He may once have been the most popular TV star in Europe and Asia, but
's latest bit of video was anything but cool: The Hoff, who says he has struggled with alcoholism for years, was filmed by his daughter in a pathetic, drunken state, barely able to sit up as he tried to eat a hamburger off the rug in a Vegas hotel room. Before long, The Hoff's shame became our entertainment on YouTube.
seems to have burned through two more husbands in less than two years. Pam wed Detroit rap-rocker
in July 2006, only to divorce him by November.
Pam married her latest, Paris Hilton's ex-pornographer
, on Oct. 6, only to file for divorce seven weeks later. A few days later the couple reconciled.
May the gods help them.
When it comes to arrests, it's hard to top former
). Often described in the tabloids by the code word
, Boy was accused of kidnapping and mercilessly taunting a 28-year-old Norwegian male escort in May. Boy allegedly chained the man at his flat and threatened him with various sex toys and S&M implements.
It didn't stay in Vegas
Sure, it's all fun and games talking about celebs when all they've done is drink and drive. What about armed robbery? What about
, arrested Sept. 16 for allegedly storming a hotel room in Vegas with a group of armed men to steal sports memorabilia?
This year's prize for most confrontational, haiku-writing lesbian former talk-show host goes to -
When she wasn't busy tearing
to shreds on live TV during her brief stint as a cohost on
, Rosie entered an absurd verbal death match with
didn't bother using clever words; he just up and punched
in the jaw during the MTV Video Awards. Were they feuding over
, who'd left both of them?
opens his mouth, ugly things can happen. They sure did April 4, when the windage out of the radio jock's mouth on
Imus in the Morning
was full of racist bile, calling the Rutgers University women's basketball team, which had eight African American players, "nappy-headed hos." His show was canceled, but by December he was back with a syndicated show.
I fought the law . . .
Other luminaries in hot legal water included
, who faces assault charges for allegedly flinging her cell phone at a servant.
And Philly's very own CBS3 news anchor
allegedly found a more direct way to fight the law: She's been accused of punching a plainclothes New York cop in the face - and calling her a "dyke" - during an argument with police this month.