Steve and Mia: Wife finds hubby's porn stash

Q: I am married to a man who finds it necessary to hide porn books and sex hotline numbers in his dresser. He doesn't know I found them. I was suspicious because something seemed different lately. I think this is a form of cheating and it makes me sick. Plus I'm so lonely.

What do you think? We've been together 21 years. Am I wrong for thinking this? I'm going crazy thinking about it. Should I say something?

Steve: Absolutely. But the issue isn't the porn, it's your loneliness. If you feel lonely with your husband, that suggests a lack of intimacy and love. You need to have a full and open discussion of his feelings toward you and yours toward him. People who love each other don't feel lonely when they're together. A marriage counselor can help with this.

Mia: Of course you're not crazy. And obviously you still care about your marriage, or you wouldn't be so upset. Talk to your husband about how you feel. He may want to share this stuff with you but think you're not interested. Try to find ways to explore your sexuality together.

Q: My husband and I are continually fighting about what I wear. I'm in my late 40s, and he insists that I should dress like a woman in her 20s. Frankly, my shape is inappropriate for clothes that looked good on me 20 years ago. He says I'm always telling him what to wear, which is true to the extent I want him to dress nicely when we go out. But this, to me, is different. Tight skirts and sweaters just don't work for me. We have a good marriage otherwise, but what can I do to end the bickering on this subject?

Mia: Well, clearly your husband wants to show you off, which is sweet. But he needs to stop being the fashion police immediately. Tell him you'll dress the way you want when you're out on the town. But maybe you could occasionally put something a little racier on just for him in the privacy of your bedroom.

Steve: Tell him that you'll dress exactly as he'd like if he agrees to dress like a Chippendale the next time you go out. There's room for compromise here. Dressing special just for him in the privacy of your home, as Mia suggests, is a good starting point. And middle-aged women can dress attractively without looking ridiculous. Perhaps the two of you can go on a shopping trip. *