Celebrities are good at whining. Like fat, drooling, smelly babies, they know whining gets attention. Case in point:

Speidi

, the composite being made of

Spencer and Heidi Pratt

. On NBC's

Today

yesterday morn, they were interviewed by

Al Roker

, who has lost and gained more weight than an Arctic glacier. It got weird, and now they're saying they were blindsided! Ambushed! Afterward, Heidi called up

Ryan Seacrest

on his galactic radio show and said Al "was incredibly rude and was verbally assaulting me." She actually said she

never knew he was going to interview them

: "I just thought he did weather. I thought he was coming to tell me it's sunny in New York." Spencer told TMZ: "I never in my wildest dreams thought a weatherman would treat us like we just rigged the Iranian election." Not to be outdumbed, Al dissed the pair on Twitter, decrying their "bad and vacuous behavior" and opining that "we're at minute 11 of their 15" minutes of fame. Snap and pop!

He's really, really sorry

On last night's

Late Show

,

David Letterman

said his joke about Alaska Gov.

Sarah Palin

's daughter was a lousy joke, no matter how you cut it, and he's sorry. He said the joke thought by some to have targeted Palin's 14-year-old,

Willow

, was actually referring to 18-year-old

Bristol

. Either way, it was "a coarse joke," he told viewers. "I feel that I need to do the right thing here and apologize for having told that joke." He apologized to both daughters, "and also to the governor and her family and everybody else who was outraged by the joke. I'm sorry about it, and I'll try to do better."

What a cozy clan!

You want weird? You can't handle weird.

Bruce Willis

, 54, and fresh new bride

Emma Heming

, 23, did a

Planet of the Apes

-themed S&M spread . . . we are looking right at it, we're not making this up . . . in July's issue of W, replete with simulated intimate positions and stuff. The bizarre "portfolio" is titled "Mr. & Mrs. Willis." Bruce says he and Emma and his ex,

Demi Moore

, and

her

hubby,

Ashton Kutcher

, and all the Moore/Willis kids are supertight: "We've become like a tribe." Emma says the whole swell thing is "comfortable and fun."

Now make with the chains, honey!!!

Susan Boyle goes all corporate on us

Susan Boyle

is a loser, OK? And she's going to squeeze every last penny out of it. The

Britain's Got Talent

also-ran is soon to start her career. But albums don't make so much these days. And tours are a lot of work. So, hit the corporate circuit, baby! Susan is still on government assistance, but the deeply pocketed Masters of the Universe will pay her top dollar to warble at their various nefarious conspiracies. Britain's News of the World says the phone's started ringing. Charge? About $165,000 for a 12-minute set.

I try to look like her, but don't say I do!

Music man

Chris Brown

and his onetime gf

Rihanna

were seen Thursday at Game 4 of the

L.A. Lakers-Orlando Magic

NBA championship series - on opposite ends of the same row. As the world knows, he is accused of beating her shortly before the Grammy show in February; his prelim hearing in court is next Monday. People mag reported he and she had asked to sit together, but for some reason, it could not be. Then Sunday in Orlando, when the Lakers and

Kobe Bryant

beat the Magic for the title, Brown was in the crowd again, with a stylish,

mysterious woo-mon

two seats away. Some news outlets thought she was Rihanna in semi-incog. But no: She's

Teyana Taylor

, she's a singer, and she's, like, all mad 'n' stuff 'bout being taken for the woman she was breaking her neck to look like. She went on Twitter to say: "omgggggg if one more reporter say that im rihanna im gonna go crazzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy . . . " OK, Teyana, you're not her. You just work realllly hard to look like her, then sit next to famous-guy-on-TV. omgggggg!!!!!! ROFLOL!!!

The June of the breakups, Part XXXVIII

June may be a great month for births, but for music-industry marriages, this June stinks.

Usher

recently filed for divorce from

Tameka Foster

. And now hip-hopper

Kelis

says

Nas

isn't paying her enough to live on while they figger out their own divorce. A baby is imminent.

Justin experiences agonizing stress

Speaking of funny items, scope out this from FoxNews.com:

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE

BEING PRESSURED TO HAVE BABIES WITH

JESSICA BIEL

. A

Poor guy! After blotting a tear for the pop icon whose main squeeze is one of the world's most beautiful women, most of male America would tear its Pendleton shirt and run naked through a cactus forest to volunteer! We almost didn't read the whole story. Seems Justin's mom is on him to get busy with gf Jess. Meantime, Jess tells Allure mag she has "no idea" if she wants to get married; Justin tells mom to "cut it out" when she starts this stuff.

A doll in more ways than before

In one of the more hilarious ads ever, Herobuilders.com has announced the

Sarah Palin

Action Series, limited-release dolls depicting the gov in energetic personas. Hero Builders specializes in crudely made (yet somehow

telling

) action dolls of pop and political figures

. They also can make you (can we stop laughing long enough to input this?) . . . wait for it . . . custom Pez dispensers!!!! Now they have given the world . . . the Sarah Palin Kick

Dave Letterman

's [Body region] Action Figure, "complete with Goth Makeup and her Cage Fighting outfit"; the Palin Party Girl, and an all-purpose Palin Action Girl, in glitzy exercise suit. Also on sale:

The Housewives of New Jersey

. "This is definitely the ugliest action figure we have ever made," says the ad. "... IMPORTANT: not for children under the age of 6: Product contains the same amount of plastic, toxins, silicone and evil that the real housewife contains." Just quoting here.

Poets' Corner comes to 'SideShow'

Did you know that our region hosts what may be the biggest, best poetry conference in the country? The

West Chester Poetry Conference

just wrapped up its 15th annual shindig, and many were the poetry stars on hand. For highlights, go to former Inquirer books editor

Frank Wilson

's blog "Books Inq. - The Epilogue" (

), and find his video chat with former poet laureate

Donald Hall

.

"SideShow" at sideshow@phillynews.com. This column contains information from Inquirer wire services.