Psst . . . did you hear the rumors?

Tiger Woods is in trouble. Can you believe that? Yeah, we know: Couldn't be. We don't know the whole story. Evidently the rest of the world does, though, so we'll ask around. . . . Meantime, these items from the world of celebrity malfeasance:

We're very, very disappointed

If things keep going like this, "SideShow" will have nothing to report! People are, like, acting cool, avoiding dish, dirt, and disaster. Maybe it's the holiday season, we don't know. Actor Josh Duhamel and his honeymuffin wifey, Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson, pert, low-browed (in fact, not in intellect) songstress of the Black Eyed Peas, appeared Wednesday night at the L.A. premiere of Nine, the musical in which she stars. The couple haven't been seen in public much; rumors are Josh has been sidewinding with Nicole Forester, an Atlanta stripper, who has even taken a polygraph test! But there they were Wednesday night, Josh and Fergie, beautiful, as were her costars, Nicole Kidman and Penélope Cruz. . . . That's a lot of pretty. . . . We gnash our teeth further at intensifying rumors that Jake Gyllenhaal is about to propose to Reese Witherspoon, even shopping for a ring. . . . Were that not bad enough, look at these guys in the South Carolina legislature, who somehow did not fire their governor, Mark Sanford, even though the whole world knows he was tomcattin' down South America way with gf María Belén Chakur, and with state cash, too. Rumor says even this nutty bunch fears what would happen if they canned Sanford and let wingding Lt. Gov. André Bauer take office. . . . And, oh, the horror - the Daily Mail Online reports singer and rehab vet Amy Winehouse is snugglin' back up with her ex-husband, frequent jail visitant and current rehab warrior Blake Fielder-Civil. She and he spent 36 hours last weekend doing the bunnyhop in some hotel. Garsh! You guys just got divorced in July. Give us some kind of break! . . . Surely there's still Jessica Simpson and the numskulls who diss her body. But no: She's happy! She's got new hair extensions! She's dating Smashing Pumpkins lead guy Billy Corgan, says the HuffPost! Strange pairing, but despite all my rage, I'm still just a rat in a cage. . . .

Now *this* is more like it

Not everyone is getting along, thank goodness. San Diego Chargers football guy Shawne Merriman is suing reality-TV remora Tila Tequila. She claimed back in September that he beat her up at a party. Charges were dropped. Is he suing for defamation? Not exactly. He's suing for unfair competition and contract infringement because she showed his logo on her Web site and thus killed a T-shirt deal Shawne had going with Walmart. Got all that? Anyway, it's not like accusing a footballer of violence is going to hurt his career, right?

Senseless, freakish chaos!

If that's your poison, nothing beats reality TV. The Fine Living Network, FLN to you, started this show hilariously titled Bartender Wars that pits big-time NYC bartenders against one another in various NYC dives. Rounds have titles like "Quick Shot" and "Happy Hour," games like "Celeb in a Glass," and so on. We pass along this network blurb about the much-awaited Jan. 8 episode, "Vodka": "Poppi, Jason and Tracy [who are these people?] pair drinks with flavored popcorn ["SideShow" is going to fwow up!], try to send psychic messages to their patrons [what bar is this?], and play a game of catch - with olives [the mind fails!]. Guest judge Dan Aykroyd asks them to impress him with their bartending skills and create a drink they'd be proud to put on their headstones [italics all ours!]." It does not get any better than this, people.

English as it should never be

Did you know you speak English? Well, at least you can read it. Public-relations English has its own demented grandeur, its own breakneck career toward total madness. Rock-and-roll PR is, like, beyond the beyond. Read these aloud, fans:

"Since 2004, OM have burned their name into the annals, trolled the fertile crescent, faithfully made more out of what little was put into their hands, forged three full-length albums from white-hot evaluations of the infinite."

"The colossal pairing of SLAYER AND MEGADETH will leave a trail of Carnage from shore to shore across this great country of America, zeroing in on the Susquehanna Center in Camden on Saturday, February 13th."

"The grotesque, taboo-shattering lyrics of Cannibal Corpse - and the shocking Tomb of the Mutilated cover art that decimated the limits of zombie pornography."

"Since the beginning of múm, they have always gone their own way, the way their creativeness and their music has been excessively difficult to pin down and anticipate. Originally a duo, the band has expanded and contracted like a beating mammalian heart in the 12 years of being and has counted 15-20 people along the way."

William Shakespeare would have set fire to his ruff to have written like this!

Equal time for all kissers

Barbara Walters did her 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009 show on ABC Wednesday night. We weren't on it, so we didn't watch; too busy fondling our Nobel Prize. But we hear Baba Wawa was unfair to kissers. She refused to run a clip of Adam Lambert's guy-guy smooch at the American Music Awards. Why!? She did run a vid clip of Lady Gaga merging mouths with another lady, and batted nary a lip. And then she went totally over the edge, into the unacceptable: She actually ran a clip of Jon and Kate Gosselin liplocking. Disgusting! Shocking! Unlikely!

Contact "SideShow" at sideshow@phillynews.com. This column contains information from Inquirer wire services.