I found the perfect man for Mother Mary:

Uncle Sam.

Why not?

They'd be great for each other. Uncle Sam may be over 200 years old, but he's got plenty of life left in him. After all, we just found out that he sicced the IRS on tea party groups and spied on a hundred AP reporters.

In other words, he's an active senior.

A very active senior.

Or maybe a hyperactive senior.

But still, he's just the type of man that Mother Mary needs. He's tall, handsome, and he spends money like there's no tomorrow.

By the way, did I mention there's no tomorrow?

I smell New Daddy.

And because I know a good man is hard to find, I'm not going to be too picky about him. In fact, I did some research on the tea party business, and while it bothers me, it would be worse if he went after the coffee party.

Or the chocolate cake party.

Then the party would be over.

Also, I read about what he did to the tea party people. When they applied for tax-exempt status, he sent them lots of red tape.

Miles and miles of red tape.

Obviously, Uncle Sam keeps a lot of red tape on hand and maybe he just got carried away.

He does that all the time.

Like when he goes shopping, he doesn't worry about price. I heard he paid five hundred bucks for a screwdriver once. Obviously, he likes screwdrivers and he gets carried away easily.

He has no governor, for a government.

Anyway, back to the red tape. Maybe Uncle Sam mistook it for red ribbon. Maybe he thought he was wrapping gifts for the tea party.

Lots and lots of gifts.

He must really like tea.

You have to consider that Uncle Sam apologized for sending the red tape to the tea party, and that counts in his favor. Mother Mary needs a man who will say he's sorry.

Because he will be.

If he brings flowers, Mother Mary will become Mrs. Uncle Sam.

I also looked into that business with the reporters. It turns out that Uncle Sam secretly got the records for 20 different phone lines that belonged to the Associated Press, which included the cell, office, and home phones of about a hundred reporters.

See what I mean?

He's crazy active.

Just because he's older, he's not sitting around on his duff. He's busy getting phone records.

Hundreds and hundreds of phone records.

You have to put what he did in context, and I read that Uncle Sam got the records to find a leak. So Uncle Sam is handy, and who doesn't like that in a man?

Plus, you know how hard it is to find a leak?

I have a leak in my kitchen ceiling, and it's really a problem. I've called plumber after plumber but none of them can find the leak, much less stop it. One had a small video camera that came on a long hose and he stuck that in the pipe, but even he couldn't find the leak.

At least Uncle Sam didn't use the camera hose on the reporters.

Ouch.

The plumbers charged me a fortune to find the leak, but Uncle Sam didn't charge the AP reporters anything at all. He got their phone records for free.

What a guy!

So are you with me, should we put those two crazy kids together?

Maybe Uncle Sam will take her name.

Mr. Mother Mary.

Look for Lisa Scottoline's new novel, "Don't Go," in stores now. Write to her at lisa@scottoline.com.