IN ONE OF the worst-timed magazine covers in ages, the new
has a photo illustration of
, dressed as a caddy, helping
read a putt.
The headline: "10 Tips Obama Can Take from Tiger."
As the article was written before the Tiger scandal broke, the tips do not revolve around not sending salacious text messages to cocktail waitresses.
These are the actual Golf Digest tips of what "Obama might learn from Tiger" (with brief Tattle annotations).
1. The Quick Recovery.
(If you're going to have sex what seems like a dozen times a day, it's essential.)
2. The Cold Ferocity.
(That one may apply to Elin.)
3. How to Step on Their Necks.
(Shoot a cover for Men's Fitness so that the National Enquirer doesn't run photos of you shtupping your Perkins server.)
4. The Trouble with Compromise.
("Elin, how about five women?" "No." "How about three women?" "No. How about no women, Tiger?" "What?! What kind of compromise is that?)
5. The Value of a few "Majors."
(It's what cultivated Tiger's taste in Claret Jugs.)
6. Controlling the Message - and Spending.
(Rachel Uchitel, here's an envelope with crisp, unmarked bills.)
7. The Swing Change.
(Tiger likes to swing. And, obviously, he likes to change.)
8. Clothes the Deal.
(Want to bag a Tiger? A French maid's outfit accentuating your large, fake rack is the perfect attire.)
9. You've Got to Deliver.
(Jewelry. Travel. Cash.)
10. The Danger of Looking Ridiculous.
* As for a few of Golf Digest's suggestions regarding what Tiger might learn from Obama: Lighten Up; the Art of Grace; Less Robot, More Warmth; Dial it Back a Little; At Least Look Like You're Having Fun; and . . . Save Some for the Losers.
* Since they're learning from each other, perhaps the president can consult Tiger about the cost of health care:
The requisite anonymous insider tells Life & Style how TigerCare helped mistress/aspiring model Jamie Jungers.
"Tiger gave Jamie thousands of dollars," the insider said. "She took that money to get liposuction on her thighs."
Does cellulite count as a pre-existing condition?
* Deadspin.com has a lengthy report on the procuring of babes for athletes and explains that although Mistress No. 1, Rachel Uchitel, may have had occasional dalliances with Tiger, her real job was as his procurer of women - and his fixer.
The reason for her alleged payoff? She knows everything.
(Note to Rachel: We can't pay you but we're good listeners.)
* Us Weekly reports that Rachel bragged to friends of flings with famous dudes like Woods, Ryan Seacrest, Derek Jeter and David Boreanaz.
Rachel hasn't said much publicly but a friend told Us that Tiger sent her a very creepy e-mail.
"I had a dream we were married and I was leading the tournament," Tiger reportedly wrote. "I came home, excited to see you, and there you were in the bedroom getting f---ed by Derek and David. Some part of me thinks you would like that."
Gee, we wonder which part that is?
"Now I can't get back to sleep," Tiger reportedly wrote. "My body is tired, but my mind is awake. Need an Ambien."
* TMZ.com reports that Tiger's longtime pal, Bryon Bell, is getting married this weekend and that Tiger has bailed on being his best man.
Bryon, who works for Tiger, got caught up in the whole mess with Rachel when TMZ reported that he'd secretly booked and paid for her liaison with Tiger in Australia.
Word that Tiger will be a no-show has put a damper on the ceremony, especially for bridesmaids looking for some action.
And back in Orlando . . .
EMTs were summoned to Tiger's mansion for the second time in less than two weeks yesterday, this time because his soon-to-be ex-mother-in-law, Barbro Holmberg, was having stomach pains.
Can you blame her? How much antacid can a woman take?
Holmberg was taken by ambulance to Tiger's hospital, Health Central, after someone called 9-1-1 about 2:35 a.m., hospital spokesman Dan Yates said. She was released about 11 hours later and returned to Tiger's home, Yates said. He said that he could not be more specific about her ailment because of privacy laws.
There is no truth to the rumor that she was impaled on a 5-iron.
Yates said that Holmberg, a Swedish politician, had been in a private room and that the family had hired additional security to keep the media away. He said that family members visited, but he would not say which ones.
Eva Malmborg, a spokeswoman for Holmberg, said that she was informed by a family member that Holmberg was admitted to the hospital due to stomach pains but was feeling well "considering the circumstances."
Malmborg said that as far as she knows, Holmberg doesn't suffer from any disease.
She may have caught something in the Woods.
* If Tiger's mother, Kutilda, wants
to see her grandchildren regularly, we hope she likes Scandinavia.
The New York Daily News reports that her soon-to-be ex-daughter-in-law Elin has spent a little more than $2 million to buy Faglaro Mansion, which happens to be on a little island in Sweden, a ferry ride from Stockholm.
"The official story from her family is that she bought the place with her twin sister, Josefin, not with Tiger," said Poppe Linge of HPG, a Swedish news agency.
"It belonged to a professional soccer player who wanted privacy," Linge said. "I heard she started looking at it last summer and bought it two weeks ago."
Daily News wire services contributed to this report.