REPORTS ARE all over the map when it comes to Elin Nordegren's plans for her marriage to Tiger Woods, but Britain's News of the World insists she wants out, she wants sole custody of their children and she wants half his money.
How much money that is can be debated by the World Bank, but it's a lot.
It's at least a few hundred million - definitely enough for the Swedish beauty to win our newspaper auction and still have plenty of cash left over to refurnish the newsroom with Ikea and replace our PT Cruisers with Volvos.
News of the World says the last straw for Elin wasn't news that Tiger teed off on 18 (see list of women below) but that he refused to go to rehab to kick his Ambien and Vicodin habit.
"Tiger was supposed to be working on getting better and he hasn't done anything," said an anonymous Elin friend. "Instead he just went to stay with a friend in Maryland and says he's 'trying to get better on his own.' "
Hey, it worked with his golf swing.
"Elin is livid he hasn't checked into rehab and gotten himself off his drugs. He's acting like a big baby.
"Now she wants 100 percent divorce, 100 percent custody of the children and half of everything. And she WON'T be changing her mind.
"Elin's confidence has soared after contacting renowned Californian divorce lawyer Sorrell Trope, who represented Britney Spears in her court battles with Kevin Federline.
(We hate to question NotW, but read that last paragraph again. Would anybody speak like that?)
"She's prepared to give [Tiger] visitation - but she wants the visits to be monitored," said the source.
The "friend" went on to say that Elin doesn't even care if Tiger is still having sex with the entire membership of the National Cocktail Waitress Association.
"She couldn't care less if he wants to ruin his life some more," said the source.
Meanwhile Mistress No. 1, Rachel Uchitel, says that Tiger is going to bankroll a business for her once he's back on track.
"I am his soul mate and we have a special connection," she said.
Gee, Rachel, then Tiger was cheating on you.
* Every golf scorecard has an 18-hole layout and thankfully News of the World has been tracking Tiger's movement around the course.
The now infamous front nine included:
1. Party planner Rachel Uchitel.
2. "Tool Academy" reality contestant Jaimee Grubbs.
3. Ex-model Cori Rist.
4. Las Vegas hostess Kalika Moquin.
5. Las Vegas party favor Jamie Jungers.
6. Perkins waitress Mindy Lawton.
7. Porn star Holly Sampson.
8. Porn star Joslyn James.
9. Florida "Cougar" Theresa Rogers.
(Tattle notes that on a trip to Fort Myers, Fla., we saw actual signs on the roads for "cougar crossing." If only we'd known we would have tried to get an "Exclusive" with Theresa and ask, what happens when you cross a Tiger with a Cougar?)
As for the back nine, many of them are still in the rumor stages and/or hiring their lawyers:
10. Florida cocktail waitress Julie Postle. Yes, before Elin went postal, Tiger went Postle.
11. A well-known British TV host.
12. A former Orlando cocktail waitress.
13. Ex-Playboy/Hawaiian Tropic model Loredana Jolie.
14. An Atlanta party planner.
15. A University of Illinois student partying in Vegas.
16. An Orlando party planner.
17. A San Diego dancer named Star.
18. Jessica Simpson. Yes, that Jessica Simpson. This probably is alleged because photos of Tiger at a U2 concert at Cowboy Stadium were taken in Tony Romo's box. Jessica is denying the link, first mentioned by Us Weekly magazine, and threatening a lawsuit.
* Speaking of divorce, Beyonce's mother, Tina Knowles, has filed for divorce from the pop diva's father/manager, Mathew Knowles.
Tina began legal proceedings Nov. 11, according to court documents.
"The decision to end our marriage is an amicable one. We remain friends, parents, and business partners," the couple said in a statement. "If anyone is expecting an ugly messy fight, they will be sadly disappointed. We ask for your respect of our privacy as we handle this matter."
The divorce filing came about a month after Mathew was named in a paternity suit by Alexsandra Wright.
Wright claims Mathew is the father of her unborn child.
* Also filing for divorce is LeAnn Rimes' husband Deane Sheremet.
The couple announced a divorce was in the works in September, but no paperwork had been filed. Court records show Sheremet filed in L.A. last week.
The couple were married in February 2002 and have no children together. The filing, of course, cites "irreconcilable differences" for the breakup. That's so much claaier than "my wife was having sex with her TV co-star."
Rimes has been linked with actor Eddie Cibrian. He filed for divorce from his wife of eight years in August.
Sheremet is seeking spousal support and attorney's fees.
* Dutch rapper Mosheb has been convicted of threatening anti-Islamic lawmaker Geert Wilders . . . in a song.
The not-very-friendly lyric goes, "Geert, this is no joke/Last night I dreamt I hacked off your head."
Rotterdam District Court has sentenced Mosheb to do 80 hours of community service and handed him a two-month suspended prison sentence.
Mosheb's defense was that he was entitled to freedom of expression as an artist.
Wilders has his own legal problems: He faces a trial in January on charges of inciting hatred against Muslims.
Awards Media, the Austrian company that was organizing a global Michael Jackson tribute in London, is being dissolved and will not be able to put on the not-so-star-studded show.
* Michael's 3-D, sci-fi film "Captain EO" will return to Disneyland next February, more than 23 years after the attraction debuted there.
The 17-minute film was directed by Francis Ford Coppola and executive-produced by George Lucas.
In the film, Jackson leads a goofy alien-and-robot crew as they battle a wicked queen played by Anjelica Huston. "Captain EO" originally opened in Disneyland's Tomorrowland in 1986 and ran for more than a decade. Identical versions later opened at other Disney theme parks. They were all closed by 1998.
* Jared Edwards, a former assistant to the Wayans Brothers, has sued the comedy team for unspecified damages, saying they snatched his "You know you're a Golddigger . . ." book and published it as their own.
The suit was filed last week in Manhattan against Keenen Ivory Wayans, Shawn Wayans, Marlon Wayans and St. Martin's Press.
The suit said Edwards worked as a Wayans assistant for a decade beginning in 1995.
It said in 2005 he wrote jokes about women who seek wealth and status through romance.
He said the brothers rejected his book, but in May published their own: "101 Ways to Know You're a Golddigger.'
* Kevin Jonas, 22, of the Jonas Brothers, married 23-year-old Danielle Delesea Saturday at Oheka Castle, a 109,000-square-foot estate in Cold Spring Harbor, on Long Island.
Kevin's brothers Joe and Nick served as his best men and snow did not deter about 400 people from attending.
Celebrity party planner Michael Russo - one of the few party planners who hasn't bedded Tiger Woods - created a fairy-tale forest theme that included heated white tents with 14-foot trees and crystals made to look like icicles.
What are the long-term prospects for a couple when their wedding takes place in a faux fairy-tale forest?
* Power to the people. Power to the people, right on.
Here we have "American Idol" and "America's Got Talent," but in the smaller United Kingdom they've got "Britain's Got Talent" (hello, Susan Boyle) and "X-Factor" (which used to be "Pop Idol" which is the show that spawned our "Idol.")
Here cranky Simon Cowell is big, but in the UK he's BIG - so big that a grass-roots movement was launched to stop the new "X-Factor" winner, Joe McElderry, from having this year's British Christmas No. 1 song.
That Christmas No. 1 is a big thing across the pond and for the last few years the "X-Factor" winner has easily achieved the season's top hit.
But British music fans rose up against Cowell's control of the charts and created a viral campaign to make another song the Christmas No. 1.
And they didn't go for something by Taylor Swift or anyone else with an easy path to a hit.
No, the song that was chosen was 1992's "Killing in the Name" by political protest band Rage Against the Machine.
Amazingly, the campaign worked. "Killing in the Name" was downloaded more than 500,000 times last week, sending Cowell and "X-Factor" judge Cheryl Cole (Cowell certainly knows how to pick beautiful judges in England), into a tizzy, about how unfair this was to poor, young Joe.
(Sir Paul McCartney, by the way, came out for Rage Against the Machine, even though he had just performed on the "X-Factor" finale.)
Rage is tickled that its charity single (raising money for homelessness) has become its biggest hit ever.
The band said in a statement: "Rage Against the Machine is honored to have been drafted by this historic grassroots campaign to make our song 'Killing in the Name' the No. 1 song on the UK Christmas Week pop chart. This is a huge victory by and for fans of real music and we extend our heartfelt thanks to every fan and freedom fighter who helped make our anthem of defiance and rebellion the Anarchy Christmas Miracle of 2009.
"As promised we will play a free concert in the UK in celebration of this incredible upset victory over the heavily favored X-Factor single. We are also pleased that so much money has been raised for homeless charity Shelter and are happy to donate as well to aid this important cause. While there are many lessons that can be drawn from this historic upset, the main one is this: that ordinary people, banding together in solidarity, can change ANYTHING, be it the pop charts or the world."
How's that for a Christmas message.
Daily News wire services contributed to this report.