Unsatisfiable celebrities

Ladies: There shall henceforth be more Bradley Cooper for you all! Reports say he and English beauty Suki Waterhouse have agreed to part after two years of romance. (Question: What do these beautiful people want? We'd date either one.) . . . Recent remarks by former amours toujours Elizabeth Hurley and Hugh Grant raised our eyebrows (not to mention earbrows). As you may recall, the two spectaculars sundered back in 1995, after Hugh unwisely elected to canoodle with prostitute Divine Brown in a car in L.A. and got nabbed in the, ah, act.

Hugh and Hurl remain buds. Asked why they split, Liz says Hugh is "grumpy." Hugh says, "The sex probably fizzled out." What? Impossible! Unimaginable! (And what do you mean, "probably"? Wouldn't you know?)

Eva takes it back! Not!

Recently, Eva Mendes declared sweatpants to be the number-one cause of divorce. (Note: Eva is not and has never been married. But she is a mom, thanks to Ryan Gosling.)

Twitter, as is its wont, yelled at her and called her names.

So Eva posted a mock-penitent Instagram: "Dear favorite pair of sweatpants. I was just kidding when I said you're the #1 cause of divorce. Everyone knows that orange crocs are the #1 cause of divorce. Either way it was a bad joke and feel terrible if you or anyone thought I was serious. Thanks for understanding sweatpants. Sorry orange crocs."

- Inquirer Staff