Did you hear that we're all getting a great gift for the holidays?
A new planet!
Scientists at NASA have just discovered a planet outside our solar system that is very similar to Earth. They named it Kepler-22b, and it's hanging out there in space like a supersize blue-and-green Christmas ball.
Happy holidays to us!
It's a balmy 72 degrees all year round, has plenty of fresh water, and circles a sun that's a lot like ours.
It's interstellar Miami.
And it's twice the size of Earth, so there's plenty of room for us all. We don't even need to build an addition.
It's like getting a new family room, for free.
I'm packing. Are you?
What's a better gift than a new planet? It may not fit under the Christmas tree, but it's just our size.
Also who doesn't look good in blue? Even if we're a little wide at the equator.
I think we should all move into our new planet immediately, and this time, we can do everything the right way, especially in the holiday spirit.
For example, there may not be peace on Earth, but there can be peace on Kepler-22b.
We can be loving and giving to each other, make sure we keep the place clean, and take care of the trees and animals.
Even the corgis.
Especially the corgis.
Kepler-22b is like a giant second chance in the sky. Who doesn't need a second chance? I myself am a huge fan of second chances. After Thing One, I married and divorced Thing Two, and I look forward to marrying and divorcing Thing Forty-Five.
Not everybody gets it right the first ten times.
We're not failures, we're late bloomers.
After all, I'm a writer, and I go through lots of drafts before the final copy. The only mistake I made was marrying my first draft.
Or rather, getting married while I was the first draft.
That's why I'm especially excited about Kepler-22b. But I wouldn't name it such a dumb name. At first I thought it was named by Mr. Kepler, who was clearly overcompensating, but then I read online that it was named after NASA's Kepler space telescope. I would never name a planet after a telescope. No woman would. We would name it after something good.
Like Planet Prada Purse.
Or Planet Chocolate Cake.
Or Planet Bradley Cooper.
Or Planet Paint-Sample Pot.
Maybe that last one is just me.
Really, I would name it Planet Do Over.
I think we all would love a Planet Do Over for the holidays, don't you?
How many things would we do differently, if we could?
One thing comes immediately to mind. First and foremost, on Planet Do Over, you could bring your dog into a restaurant. I think that would be a huge improvement.
You were thinking the same thing, right?
Dogs equal fun, and food equals fun, and Planet Do Over would be more fun if dogs could come into restaurants.
Also the restaurants would serve food without calories.
Not that they would serve diet food, but the food would be weightless, and that would add no weight to our equators.
Also on Planet Do Over, there would be no elliptical machines.
Or sleazy bankers.
Or lying politicians.
Or Progressive commercials. That annoying Flo stays here on Earth. She can clean up the mess, including the ribbons and paper we left on the floor from when we unwrapped our new planet.
Needless to say, on Planet Do Over, there would be no taxes. Moreover, there would be no money. There would only be barter, or trading goods for services, as in, if you paint my house, I'll sleep with you.
Everybody on Planet Do Over would be happy, healthy, and warm.
Not menopause-warm, but comfortable-warm.
Everybody on Planet Do Over would have a job, if they wanted one.
I'm looking forward to Planet Retirement.
And on Planet Do Over, all the single women would have dates.
Even the women over fifty.
OK, that's not happening.
Sorry, I got carried away.
I'd settle for peace.