Chloe & Theo, an ungainly parable about environmental doom, has its heart in the right place: Climate change, bad! Doing something about it, good! But, boy, does it need a rewrite.
"My people have lived here for thousands of years," declares the titular Inuit, Theo (Theo Ikummaq), as the camera pans the melting Arctic icescapes. "But the land my forefathers knew is changing. We can see it disappearing before our eyes."
Plenty more doc-style voice-overs where that came from, as Theo, handed an airline ticket and a fanny pack full of bills, heads for New York to find "the elders" to warn them of Earth's precarious state.
A plucky street urchin named Chloe (Dakota Johnson) gets her chance to do some by-way-of-introduction voice-overing, too, before propping up her cardboard sign ("Professional killer needs $ for leather suit" - har, har) and then saving the visitor from the North from getting mugged in an alley.
After warning off the thugs, the homeless girl with the heart of gold takes Theo to a senior center. Lots of "elders" there, she reckons. Eventually, the duo make it to the United Nations, having determined that this might be the place with the kind of "elders" Theo is looking for.
A human-rights lawyer, Monica (Mira Sorvino), hears Theo's earnest entreaties. She decides to champion his cause - raising money and awareness and Theo's hopes that something can be done to save the world.
Written and directed by Ezna Sands, Chloe & Theo is a mess of a message movie, simplistic, sappy, silly. Ikummaq keeps his face stoic and straight, letting the Fifty Shades of Grey star make a complete fool of herself as an ex-junkie panhandler with a Bruce Lee obsession.
"I've been on the streets so long," she says, "I can barely remember why I ran away in the first place."
Try, Chloe, try.