Ellen Gray: A 'Nightmare' in Philadelphia

KITCHEN NIGHTMARES. 9 p.m. tomorrow, Channel 29.

WE ALL HAVE our nightmares, and just because mine don't involve a foulmouthed Scotsman criticizing my cooking doesn't mean there isn't a place for Gordon Ramsay and Fox's "Kitchen Nightmares."

Though I might have wished that place didn't have to be Philadelphia.

Ramsay kicks off a new season of fixing broken restaurants with a visit to the place the show can't seem to stop referring to as "the City of Brotherly Love" and a challenge involving the Hot Potato Cafe, an establishment in Fishtown owned by sisters Claire and Kathryn Keller and their sister-in-law Erin.

And naturally, it involves "the most dramatic Day 1 decision in 'Kitchen Nightmares' history," which is the kind of thing that might alarm anyone not inured by now to warnings about "the thorniest Rose Ceremony in the annals of 'The Bachelor' " and "the most horrific Tribal Council since Jeff Probst invented fire."

I don't want to spoil that plot point for you - though I'm pretty sure Fox's promos will - but I will say that just because Gordon decides something on Day 1 doesn't mean he'll be following through on Day 2. Because the show's slated for the full hour, and there are only so many times the cameras can focus on the Girard Avenue trolley.

Besides, there's actually plenty of drama, real and possibly, um, processed, at the Hot Potato, where, we're told, a bad review from Philadelphia Weekly had hurt the spud-centric restaurant's business and led the owners to call in Ramsay.

"I'm just so frustrated. Somebody's got to do something here. We're dying," says Claire, who's going to be made to feel worse before she feels better - especially after Ramsay discovers the place has been reheating 3-week-old potato skins straight from the freezer.

It's best, they say, not to see how the sausage gets made, and the same, it seems, goes for the shepherd's pie and potato soup, but those who think of Philadelphia as a pretty good restaurant town may cringe at the direction the spotlight's taking here.

Food critics who strive not to be recognized at the restaurants they're reviewing also may cringe at the decision by a Philadelphia Weekly writer to be filmed on a repeat visit, but his editors may be mollified by Ramsay's suggestion that it's "an influential newspaper . . . [that] closes restaurants, and makes them successful."

Not mentioned by Ramsay: A piece by an Inquirer writer in April 2007 that praised the café for its "honest entrées" and "mellow vibe."

A few months later, the Daily News' Lari Robling gave the place a mixed review, praising the desserts - and the fried green beans - but advising the sisters to "ditch the frozen pierogies." Maybe she should've said it in a Scottish accent?

HBO's polygamy drama "Big Love" (9 p.m. Sunday) has taken an even odder turn than usual this season with the decision by Bill Henrickson (Bill Paxton) to get into politics.

But at least it's allowed the series to add yet another great actress, Sissy Spacek (and as something other than a sister-wife).

This week, the writers sent Bill and Nicki (Chloë Sevigny) all the way to Washington, D.C., where Spacek's character, who'll be recurring, is a power player.

Sunday, though, is all about problems closer to home - and to Home Plus - and even if I believe only about half of what I see these days on "Big Love," I'm now too entangled in the lives of these people to let go. *

Send e-mail to graye@phillynews.com.