No ducking it. This is your last chance to enjoy the daffy, down-home charm of the Robertsons.
Duck Dynasty, which for some fowl reason has become must viewing on Wednesday nights, finishes its second season this week (10 p.m. on A&E) with an hour-long holiday special: "I'm Dreaming of a Redneck Christmas."
No, I'm not making up that title. Down in Louisiana, they wear their lack of couth proudly.
For the uninitiated, Duck Dynasty is a reality show devoted to the spectacularly hirsute Robertson clan, which is living large down in the bayou, thanks to a very successful hunting accessory company founded by old man Phil.
Money ain't changed 'em a bit. They still look and dress like extras from Deliverance. But now they have the means to do whatever they want. And if it don't involve hunting, then they ain't in no particular hurry to git 'er done.
There are two seasonal set pieces in this special.
In the first, Big Willie's wife, Korie, ropes him into playing Santa for the children at the church school.
That might have worked out, except Willie (no doubt with the collusion of the show's producers) brings along Uncle Si as his elf. And that's just all kinds of wrong.
It means the kids are faced with what Willie quite astutely terms "a creepy geriatric angry elf." The other glitch: instead of shopping for toys, Si raided the Duck Commander warehouse/office and stuffed whatever he could find in his, ahem, gift bag.
Si may be the first Santa's helper to wear camouflage gear (of questionable value at the North Pole), but at least he glues on some pointy ears.
"I'm proud to be Spock," he says. "He could kill people with that Volkswagen death grip."
The hour's other primary chore belongs to baby brother Jep, charged with draping countless strings of decorative lights around his mother's roof and property.
The bearded Robertson men have been compared to a backwoods ZZ Top and to the Smith brothers of cough drop fame. But based on the sight gag that crowns Jep's efforts on the roof, they may be going for a Hasidic look. I can say no more.
Except that you had better stick around for the piece de resistance, a main dish for the Christmas dinner that will doubtless become a national holiday custom. Miss Kay has outdone her squirrel dumplings with a new mixed meat masterpiece that makes the turducken look austere.
With her penetrating voice, Miss Kay often sounds like Roseanne Barr, who as a sitcom star famously referred to Tom Arnold and herself as "America's worst nightmare: trailer trash with money."
Duck Dynasty rides airily on a similar premise: a redneck leisure class. But thanks to the Robertsons' laid-back warmth, this is no Honey Boo Boo freak show. It's a delightful place to put up your feet every week.
Merry Christmas, y'all.