Solomon Jones: How to beat Dallas? Ask yo' mama

IN TWO DAYS, one of the greatest rivalries in sports will be rekindled when the Eagles play the Dallas Cowboys on "Monday Night Football."

As with all rivalries, there will be trash talk. I'm a big fan of that. In fact, there was a time in my life when I was a bit of a trash-talk aficionado. Only we didn't call it trash talk back then. We simply called it "bustin'."

During my formative years, bustin' was a required skill. If you couldn't bust, you were a sitting duck for the neighborhood jester, the class clown, and cold-hearted relatives who would poke fun at you at neighborhood gatherings. I therefore began experimenting with bustin' at an early age.

At first, I was terrible. Someone would hit me with a good one, leaving dozens of amused onlookers rolling in the aisles. I would respond with something like, "Shut up, you . . . you . . . pill!" The response, more often than not, was puzzled silence.

With practice, however, I became better. By the time I was a teenager, I was adept at flattening my rhetorically challenged rivals. If your head was shaped like an airplane, I used runway signals each time you walked by. If you had an aversion to bathing, you were given a nickname such as Dirty Smirt. If your lips were ample, you became known as Chops. But none of these put-downs were as effective as the time-honored riff that began with the magic words "Yo' mama."

There is a reason that the Yo' Mama joke is so effective. Mothers are sacred. That's why those who don't give gifts on Mother's Day are virtually hell-bound, while those who skip Father's Day aren't penalized. Saying something about someone's father is meaningless. Targeting Mama? That's priceless.

In hardscrabble cities like Philadelphia, mastering the Yo' Mama joke is a rite of passage. Folks from other locales aren't as familiar with the tradition, however, and are more likely to lose their composure while attempting to retaliate.

That's why, if all else fails on Monday night, the Eagles should start talking about the Cowboys' mamas. And they shouldn't use just any Yo' Mama jokes. They should use the best ones. Since I've heard many of them over the years, I am offering myself as a Yo' Mama consultant. If the Eagles follow my directions, the guys in the starred helmets will lose it. And when they do, the Cowboys will be well on their way to losing the game.

If DeMarcus Ware sacks Donovan McNabb, our quarterback should wait till Ware is on his way back to the huddle and yell, "Yo' mama's so fat, she's got her own ZIP code!"

Unsure of what else to do, Ware will take a run at McNabb, get a 15-yard unsportsmanlike-conduct penalty, and set the Eagles up for a touchdown.

If Adam "Pacman" Jones knocks away a pass to DeSean Jackson, our star rookie should yell, "Yo' mama's lips are so ashy, it looks like she uses jelly doughnuts for lipstick!"

Jones will lose his composure, chase Jackson across the field and immediately be ejected from the game.

If Trent Cole can't sack Tony Romo, he should tap one of the Cowboys' mammoth offensive linemen on the helmet and say, "Yo' mama's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized."

Andy Reid should get into the act, too. I know, I know, you can't imagine our stoic coach going there. But hey, desperate times call for desperate measures.

I am therefore advising our coach to walk to midfield at the beginning of the second half and yell, "Hey, Wade! Yo' mama's so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!"

With my plan in place, Philadelphia will finally make it to the Super Bowl. For those who say we won't, I've got two words for you . . . Yo' mama! *

Solomon Jones' column appears every Saturday. He can be reached at

info@solomonjones.com.