Solomon Jones: Being single stinks more than you thought

BEING SINGLE is overrated. Sure, single life gives you the freedom to go out whenever you want, drink yourself into a stupor, bathe on a semi-weekly basis, and live like Oscar the Grouch. Of course, if you live that way, you are pretty much guaranteed to remain single.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Twenty-somethings are supposed to live on fast food, frequent dark clubs, and never commit to anything except a good time. Single young men should want to play video games with the guys and mind games with the girls. Unattached young women should enjoy the occasional ladies night, and give losers the wrong phone number (I know women do this because I have been that loser).

These things are rites of passage, and no one should be denied the privilege of experiencing them. Still, being single looks to be much harder than it was in my day.

If single life in 2009 is easy, why do women need movies like, "He's Not That Into You," to figure out what men want?

Watch any adolescent boy trying awkwardly to talk with girls in an effort to sow his wild oats, and you've figured out what men want. We don't change that much as we get older. We simply change methods.

Women are a little more complicated, but not as complicated as men make them out to be. Most women want security - period. They want to know that their relationship is stable and that their man can be counted on to act right. If he can't, she'll do one of two things: deal with it, or find another man.

It's not rocket science. It's just that most people don't come right out and say what they want. Instead, folks pretend to be someone they're not in an effort to trick the other party. That's why everyone's so entertained when some fool gets on a show like "The Bachelor," asks a woman to marry him, changes his mind in front of millions, and takes up with the chick that came in second. It's not about whether the drama is real (and for the record, I'm not sure it is). It's about whether the audience is real. And for the most part, a lot of folks aren't.

Single life is tough because you never know if you're seeing the genuine article. I've seen women don fake hair, fake boobs, fake contacts and fake personalities in an effort to attract guys. But the guys they're trying to attract have rented cars, hidden credit problems, secret kids and an annoying habit of telling bold-faced lies. When these fake women get together with these fake men, and each discovers who the other truly is, the relationship never lasts.

That's why I'm kinda glad I'm married. I don't have to act like I've got a lot of money. LaVeta sees the bank account. She knows I'm broke. I don't have to work out until my muscles rip out of my clothes. LaVeta sees the love handles. In fact, when they get ashy, I ask her to rub Vaseline on them.

Those of you who've been married for any length of time know what I mean. Your spouse is the one person who knows exactly what your breath smells like in the morning. They've walked into the bathroom after you were done. They've seen you in that sweater that doesn't fit anymore. They've heard the dumbest things you've ever said.

And yet, miraculously, they love you anyway.

What advice would I give to single folks if I were an advice-giving kinda guy? I'd say be yourself, be honest about what you want, and find someone who's willing to do the same. You might have to reveal your love handles. You might have to admit you stink sometimes. Things might not always be pretty, but hey, at least they'd be real. *

Solomon Jones will host a book-release party for his new novel, Payback, on March 20. For more information and to RSVP, go to www.solomonjones.com. To contact him, e-mail info@solomonjones.com.

Solomon Jones' column appears every Saturday. He can be reached at

info@solomonjones.com.