Solomon Jones: Employing 'I, Robot' against A- Rod
THE PHILLIES' World Series run has taught me that people do strange things to help their teams win. Some fans refuse to change certain clothing items, which is fine if the sporting tournament lasts for a day. But in baseball, a sport whose playoffs can last for weeks, the refusal to wash or change some garments can pose a danger to oneself and others.
THE PHILLIES' World Series run has taught me that people do strange things to help their teams win.
Some fans refuse to change certain clothing items, which is fine if the sporting tournament lasts for a day. But in baseball, a sport whose playoffs can last for weeks, the refusal to wash or change some garments can pose a danger to oneself and others.
I'm not talking about the casual fan who dons a lucky hat for a few weeks. I'm talking about rabid fans who mistakenly believe that wearing the same socks or undergarments during a team's winning streak helps. Unfortunately, dirty drawers have zero impact on the team, but they have an uncanny ability to ruin marriages, careers, even lives.
For those wretched souls
who've found that out the hard way, I've got good news. There's a power greater than underwear, and I discovered it as I watched Game 1 of the 2009 World Series Wednesday night.
It all started when my wife came downstairs a few minutes before the game and announced that she wanted to watch "I, Robot" on our big-screen TV. Since baseball games typically get exciting toward the end (and since LaVeta looks much better than Jimmy Rollins), I agreed to watch part of the movie with her. During a commercial, I turned to the game to check the score. Chase Utley was batting, and he immediately hit a home run.
"See that?" I said to LaVeta with a self-congratulatory smile. "I turned to the game just in time."
We both chuckled, thinking it was a coincidence. But when another commercial aired, and I turned to the game again, the craziest thing happened. Utley smacked another homer.
I was about to turn back to "I, Robot" when LaVeta stopped me. "Don't you want to see what Ryan Howard's going to do?"
I looked at my magical remote and experienced a premonition. "He's going to strike out," I said.
Howard did just that, and suddenly I knew. As long as I kept the remote in my hand, I could control the game.
Some of you will scoff, just like you did when your Phillie Phanatic husband refused to change his underwear after the Colorado series. But just like he believes in his nasty decision to wear the same Fruit of the Looms until they turn from tighty-whities to gritty-grays, I believe in my remote.
So go ahead. Make fun. Laugh, if you must. I know my remote controls the Phillies' fortunes, because I didn't channel-surf during Game 2, and they lost. If I had only switched back and forth between "Men In Black" and the men in red, things would've been different.
Well, I'm not going to make that mistake again. Tonight, I'm going to rent every available Will Smith movie, hold my magical remote, and watch the Philadelphia Phillies stomp mud holes in the New York Yankees.
That's right. I'm going to watch blockbusters like "Independence Day" and the more obscure "Six Degrees of Separation." I'm going watch great Will Smith performances like "Ali," and silly music videos like "Parents Just Don't Understand."
And after I've propelled the Phillies to their second straight World Series win, I'll use my all-powerful remote to repair all the evil in the world.
I'll go to the market and use its rewind button to expose the lady in the express lane with 35 items. I'll take it to the movies and press the mute button to make those idiots stop talking on their cell phones. I'll take it on the expressway and fast-forward through every traffic jam. Then, when the next World Series rolls around, I'll use my remote to propel the Phillies to a third straight title.
That might not solve world hunger, but if I can use my remote to assure a Phillies win, at least everyone can change their underwear.
Solomon Jones' column appears every Saturday. He can be reached at