Stu Bykofsky: Time out for a heavenly chat
THE HOLIDAY season is an appropriate time for Your Favorite Columnist to pay one of his occasional calls on God.
THE HOLIDAY season is an appropriate time for Your Favorite Columnist to pay one of his occasional calls on God.
YFC: Good morning, God.
God: Good morning, lad. Merry Christmas.
YFC: Ah, my tribe doesn't celebrate Christmas, except for the all-American gift-giving part.
God: You sound like most Christians. They spend, put a tree up, drink egg nog, sing "Rudolph" and they're done. They forget it's my son's birthday.
YFC: Um, God? Jesus wasn't actually born on Dec. 25. The Julian calendar . . .
God: Sssh. We're trying to keep that from the goyim.
YFC: It's not, you know, like a secret.
God: Leave it alone. What's on your mind?
YFC: Some atheists put up a billboard saying, "Don't believe in God? You are not alone." Your reaction?
God: George Carlin didn't believe either. Where's he today? (Snicker)
YFC: He died. Do you know where he is?
God: Do you think I'm called the All-Knowing just because of my fluffy white beard, flowing robe and Birkenstocks?
YFC: I get it. So where's Carlin?
God: Not saying. That's for the Eternal to know and for you to figure out.
YFC: (Sigh) OK, different subject. Are you into the NFL this season?
God: Even though I have the best seat in the house, and I'm naturally partial to my Saints, no.
YFC: Why not?
God: I know the score of every game before it's played. It's like watching "The Crying Game" a second time. No surprises.
YFC: Oh, sure, it's that all-knowing thing. Hmmm. If you'd share some of this Sunday's scores with me I could make some money.
God: That's cheating, Stu.
YFC: C'mon. My bookie is an atheist. I could kill him.
God: So could I, any time I want. Drop it, I'm telling you.
YFC: You don't want to talk sports.
God: I'll talk Tiger Woods, that pisher.
YFC: I'll pass. Assess the national situation today.
God: Dire, I'm sorry to say. War, ignorance, crime, poverty, terrorism, AIDS, unemployment, restless-legs syndrome. It's disheartening. When I gave humans free will, I expected better.
YFC: How can we improve?
God: Stop killing each other. That would be a good start.
YFC: Many of us feel the same way. How do you feel about Barack Obama's victory?
God: Awesome. I'm proud of him, proud of America. Barack's a chip off the old block.
YFC: Wait! Are you saying he is the Messiah, like Rush Limbaugh calls him?
God: Just pulling your chain, Roscoe. Take a chill pill.
YFC: Let's go global. What's the problem with radical Islam?
God: They call me Allah and they murder in my name. I won't tell you what I call them. Hezbollah. Hamas. Taliban. Al Qaeda, you name it. After they blow people up, they think they're in for 72 dark-eyed virgins? They're in for a very nasty surprise.
YFC: Tell me.
God: Can't. It's a surprise!
YFC: Please.
God: Not allowed.
YFC: Not allowed? You're God! Who can tell you what to do?
God: There's the wife, the board of directors.
YFC: The wife?
God: Sssh. She'll hear. She's got ears like a Schnauzer.
YFC: You can trust me.
God: I thought you were a still a columnist.
YFC: That hurts, God. A scoop like that could make my career.
God: An interview with God isn't enough? How lame are you?
YFC: I give up.
God: Good. By the way, there's no wife and no board of directors. This isn't Costco. I punk'd you.
YFC: That's quite a sense of humor you've got.
God: I'm getting pointers from George Carlin.
YFC: Carlin! He's in heaven? He hated religion.
God: He made fun of religion, but I looked into his heart, I saw he cared about people so I took him home with me.
YFC: How's he doing up there?
God: Cracks me up. He learned to be funny without dirty words, but was all the time kvetching about no pot. I gave him Termini chocolate-covered bananas and that shut him up.
YFC: There's my scoop! Anything you want to add?
God: I'd like to go on "Oprah." Do you know her? Maybe you could put in a word.
YFC: 'Fraid not.
God: "The View"?
YFC: I'm not hooked up. Anything else?
God: Tell the people to stop killing each other. Work on it. Please.
E-mail stubyko@phillynews.com or call 215-854-5977. For recent columns: