Solomon Jones: What's in a (Facebook) name? Too often, too much information
IN AN AGE when any fool who's willing to eat a worm can get on television, people are doing all kinds of things to stand out in the crowd. They're getting tattoos and piercings on body parts that only a doctor or spouse should see, wearing hairstyles that resemble Oodles of Noodles gone horribly, horribly wrong, and acting in ways that are increasingly bizarre.
IN AN AGE when any fool who's willing to eat a worm can get on television, people are doing all kinds of things to stand out in the crowd. They're getting tattoos and piercings on body parts that only a doctor or spouse should see, wearing hairstyles that resemble Oodles of Noodles gone horribly, horribly wrong, and acting in ways that are increasingly bizarre.
The sad thing is that the more folks try to stand out, the more they melt into the crowd. Everybody has a crazy tattoo, piercing is passé, and Oodles of Noodles hairstyles have been eclipsed by hair that is sprayed, weaved and pressed into skyscraper-like structures.
What's an attention-craving person to do when his airplane hairdo, Chairman Mao face tattoo or brass nipple ring just doesn't cut it anymore? Well, there's always the do-just-enough-to-get-arrested route, which a number of reality stars have taken in recent months. Then there's the I'm-suddenly-crazy-and-in-need-of-treatment route, which folks seem to take whenever they're caught with their pants down.
Of course if you're just a regular person, those tactics don't work. Real people don't have publicists to tell the paparazzi where the arrest will take place, or marketing people to build the brand while they're in rehab, or media conglomerates to distribute the sordid details to a scandal-hungry public.
For the average Joe who's craving lots of attention, there's only one solution: Facebook.
With millions of users trolling profiles in an effort to engage in everything from networking to booty calls, Facebook is the place where the attention-starved go when they're trying to sell their brand to the masses.
I've seen people post near-pornographic pictures of themselves, then list their employer as the Department of Human Services. I've seen people make libelous accusations against their fellow Facebook users, then try to sell their products to the very people they dissed. But the new wave of action on Facebook involves screen names.
That's right. People are past the point of posting Debbie Does Dallas pictures and Dalai Lama-like statements in order to separate themselves from the pack. Now they're just putting the message right in their Facebook names, and the results are as pathetic as they are hilarious.
I don't think a young woman's online persona is enhanced by choosing the middle name "MoneyOverEverything." But perhaps I'm wrong. Maybe it's better if she lets everyone know she's a gold digger. That way there's no confusion when she demands some bozo's wallet on the first date.
In fact, maybe the chicks with the crazy Facebook middle names are onto something. I saw one woman who'd obviously been hurt with a middle name that said "MarriedMenBetter
NotRequestMe." Others wanted to let men know that they were attractive and available, so they had middle names like "RareBreed," "GotCake," "OhSoDelicious," and
"DimeDiva."
That got me to thinking. Maybe I should come up with a few middle names of my own. You know, the kind of names that would let folks know what I'm all about before they even got to my profile. Here's what I came up with:
Solomon "Can'tSeeMy
Drawers" Jones. This would alert potential friends to the fact that I am not a teenager, but a 42-year-old man who keeps his underwear where it belongs: out of the public eye.
Solomon "Golddiggers
NeedNotApply"Jones. This, along with my old car and pedestrian wardrobe, would let friends and foes alike know that I am a married man with no intention of getting involved with chicks with names like "MoneyOverEverything," "GotCake," and "DimeDiva."
Solomon "OldEnough
ToKnowBetter" Jones. This middle name would alert users to the fact that I do not engage in discussions involving Justin Bieber, the "Twilight" series, video games, or phrases like, "I said, he said, or she said."
Honorable mentions include "TheBaldManCometh," and "TheHoodHasEyes." In truth, though, I'm cool with plain old Solomon Jones. It's a name that says it all.
Solomon Jones' column appears every Saturday. He can be reached at