YOUR FAVORITE Columnist continues his tradition of an annual sit-down with God.
YFC: Hello, Lord.
God: What? You again?
YFC: But -
God: I'm kidding, kid. Take a load off. It seems like ages since I've seen you.
YFC: I'm here every year around now. I was here last December.
God: Get out - last year? My memory's slipping. But I remember your name, Jerry.
YFC: It's Stu.
God: You're not Blavat, the Geator with the Heater?
YFC: 'Fraid not.
God: I broke the mold when I made him.
YFC: I'm more interested than you could ever imagine.
God: Was that sarcasm? You know I could turn you into a tree, a pillar of salt, a woodchuck, a tea-bagger, anything I want.
YFC: You use that disrespectful term?
God: What? Woodchuck?
YFC: No, tea-bagger.
God: They're good people, most of them. I love messing with them, like making it look like Romney would win Ohio. Dick Morris and Karl Rove, those twits'll fall for anything.
YFC: I see. Moving on, were you behind the move to improve the Palestinians' status at the U.N.?
God: Not me. One day the U.N. will want a Mulligan on that.
YFC: Mulligan? You play golf?
God: No. Lucifer invented that game. As I was saying, the Palestinians don't have an economy, President Abbas is afraid to set foot in Gaza, they don't have an official soft drink . . . the YMCA has as much right for statehood. Make that the YMIA.
YFC: The YMIA?
God: The Young Men's Islamic Association.
YFC: There's no such thing.
God: I meant the Taliban. Why not a state for them? If you want a bunch of murderous losers . . .
YFC: They say they are true believers.
God: Look, pally, nothing I ever said - I sound a little like Bill Clinton here, except I tell the truth - nothing I ever said made women second-class citizens. That idea comes from men, who think they can read my mind when they can't even read a Viagra label.
YFC: Can we be serious for a moment?
God: Go for it.
YFC: The massacre in Newtown and Adam Lanza.
God: What can I say that you don't already know? Why don't you write a column on it, Mr. Big Shot?
YFC: Maybe I will, once we get to what is politically, practically and constitutionally feasible. This is too grim. Let's change the subject. What's on your mind?
God: The Mayans were schmucks.
YFC: Why do you say that?
God: Check the calendar.
YFC: Let's talk about Philly.
YFC: That's not nice.
God: You're so touchy. Mayor Nutter's a nice man - what was with the rappelling down a building? - but the schools are a mess, taxes are too high, you could fill the jails with bad cops. The property-tax mess he's trying to fix? I created the universe in less time.
YFC: He's not God.
God: The municipal workers' unions and firefighters say he acts like one.
YFC: Fair point, but I can't leave without getting a professional Philly sports prediction.
God: First get some professional teams in Philly.
YFC: That's it for predictions?
God: Fralinger makes a comeback this year.
YFC: You're a Mummers fan?
God: It's good for the soul. I hope you had a Happy Hanukkah, will have a Merry Christmas, a groovy Kwanzaa, whatever. Just remember the message is peace and goodwill to men - and women, of course. When you talk the talk, try to walk the walk.