Stu Bykofsky: Stu hits all the low notes in annual talk with God

YOUR FAVORITE Columnist continues his tradition of an annual sit-down with God.

YFC: Hello, Lord.

God: What? You again?

YFC: But -

God: I'm kidding, kid. Take a load off. It seems like ages since I've seen you.

YFC: I'm here every year around now. I was here last December.

God: Get out - last year? My memory's slipping. But I remember your name, Jerry.

YFC: It's Stu.

God: You're not Blavat, the Geator with the Heater?

YFC: 'Fraid not.

God: I broke the mold when I made him.

YFC: I'm more interested than you could ever imagine.

God: Was that sarcasm? You know I could turn you into a tree, a pillar of salt, a woodchuck, a tea-bagger, anything I want.

YFC: You use that disrespectful term?

God: What? Woodchuck?

YFC: No, tea-bagger.

God: They're good people, most of them. I love messing with them, like making it look like Romney would win Ohio. Dick Morris and Karl Rove, those twits'll fall for anything.

YFC: I see. Moving on, were you behind the move to improve the Palestinians' status at the U.N.?

God: Not me. One day the U.N. will want a Mulligan on that.

YFC: Mulligan? You play golf?

God: No. Lucifer invented that game. As I was saying, the Palestinians don't have an economy, President Abbas is afraid to set foot in Gaza, they don't have an official soft drink . . . the YMCA has as much right for statehood. Make that the YMIA.

YFC: The YMIA?

God: The Young Men's Islamic Association.

YFC: There's no such thing.

God: I meant the Taliban. Why not a state for them? If you want a bunch of murderous losers . . .

YFC: They say they are true believers.

God: Look, pally, nothing I ever said - I sound a little like Bill Clinton here, except I tell the truth - nothing I ever said made women second-class citizens. That idea comes from men, who think they can read my mind when they can't even read a Viagra label.

YFC: Can we be serious for a moment?

God: Go for it.

YFC: The massacre in Newtown and Adam Lanza.

God: What can I say that you don't already know? Why don't you write a column on it, Mr. Big Shot?

YFC: Maybe I will, once we get to what is politically, practically and constitutionally feasible. This is too grim. Let's change the subject. What's on your mind?

God: The Mayans were schmucks.

YFC: Why do you say that?

God: Check the calendar.

YFC: Let's talk about Philly.

God: Bor-ring.

YFC: That's not nice.

God: You're so touchy. Mayor Nutter's a nice man - what was with the rappelling down a building? - but the schools are a mess, taxes are too high, you could fill the jails with bad cops. The property-tax mess he's trying to fix? I created the universe in less time.

YFC: He's not God.

God: The municipal workers' unions and firefighters say he acts like one.

YFC: Fair point, but I can't leave without getting a professional Philly sports prediction.

God: First get some professional teams in Philly.

YFC: That's it for predictions?

God: Fralinger makes a comeback this year.

YFC: You're a Mummers fan?

God: It's good for the soul. I hope you had a Happy Hanukkah, will have a Merry Christmas, a groovy Kwanzaa, whatever. Just remember the message is peace and goodwill to men - and women, of course. When you talk the talk, try to walk the walk.