I'M FLABBERGASTED, dumbfounded and shocked.
In other words, I'm really surprised.
Why am I so stunned, you ask? I'm stunned because of published reports that Beyonce is prepared to divorce hip-hop mogul Jay Z.
Because if two people with more money than Nicaragua can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Jay Z and Beyonce have a combined net worth that's estimated at $1 billion.
They have power, looks - don't laugh, Beyonce is pretty enough for both of them - and a beautiful child together.
They're so hot, their On the Run Tour has topped $100 million in ticket sales in 19 dates, according to Forbes. For those of you who are math-challenged, that's over $5 million a night.
You can buy a whole lot of lovin' for that kind of bread. And when your wife is Ms. Bootylicious herself, that should be enough.
But, alas, I guess it's not.
Apparently, if you're Jay Z, you can star in music videos, have your own clothing line, proclaim yourself the Rolling Stones of hip-hop and your marriage can still be in trouble.
Beyonce can have a beautiful face, an angelic voice and a bank account with never-ending zeroes, and her relationship can be on the rocks.
A couple like that can have personal trainers, personal lackeys and personal wealth, and still be on the way to "Divorce Court."
And if that's the case, there can't be much hope for the rest of us.
I offer myself as proof.
Not only do I have a gut, but I'm on the downside of 45, and I eat beans and hot dogs and like it.
I'm so broke my bank account periodically laughs at me.
I can't imagine making 5 million cents in one night, let alone $5 million.
Jay Z is just about my age, but, let's face it, the rest of the stuff guys in their mid-40s go through is foreign to him. He's not about to order some prostate miracle pill he sees on an infomercial while watching "Columbo" reruns. He'll just call the best doctor in the prostate business and tell the office to send him a bill.
He's not going to go to an old-school hip-hop concert and throw out his back while trying to break dance.
You know why? Because Jay Z is the old-school hip-hop concert. He's the guy on stage trying not to laugh as fellow old heads make fools of themselves.
Jay's the guy whose "99 problems" line Iggy Azalea copied ("biting" is the preferred term from my hip-hop days in the '90s) in her rap for the Ariana Grande hit, "Problem."
And yet, despite the fact that he has a $150 million deal with Live Nation, rumor has it he can't deal with marriage.
If that's really true, what hope is there for regular guys like us?
Before you start thinking I'm only talking about men, let's take a look at Beyonce.
When feminists mounted a campaign to ban the word "bossy," Beyonce had the perfect line: "I'm not bossy," she said. "I'm the boss."
And who can refute it?
While Janet Jackson was pureed for her "wardrobe malfunction" at the 2004 Super Bowl, nobody said a word about the peep show Beyonce staged a few years later.
My wife believes that there's a rock-solid explanation for that.
Beyonce, the undisputed, undefeated booty-shaking queen of the world, has not one ounce of cellulite on her body. Women hate her for it, men love her for it, and Beyonce has walked the thin line between love and hate and taken it all the way to the bank.
Not only did Beyonce transform herself from a Southern hottie with a Houston drawl to a New York socialite and cultural icon, she also turned her daughter, Blue Ivy, into a brand before the child could even talk.
Together, she and Jay Z are a force of nature. Apart, they're just a couple of people who make music. Hopefully they can see that as clearly as I do, because if two people worth $1 billion can't hack it as a married couple, then marriage is indeed in trouble.
For that reason and many others, I'm pulling for Jay Z and Beyonce.
Because if people without one ounce of cellulite between them can't make it as a married couple, the rest of us are just going to have to make it on love.