LAST WEEK, when there were no more New Jersey Nets to divorce, no more sex tapes to leak, and no more rappers to marry, Kim Kardashian did what any self-respecting reality star would do.
She got naked.
And this wasn't ordinary nakedness. No, this was the kind of naked that requires a misspelling of the word in order to grasp the full extent of it. That's right. She was nekked with two Ks and an E.
She was so nekked in fact, that Paper magazine, the publication that put Kardasian's ample bare bottom on its cover, emblazoned the photograph with the words, "Break the Internet."
The pictures, which also included full frontal nudity, didn't quite break the Net. But in the words of one of my colleagues, they sure put a big crack in it.
I'm not surprised, though. Kardashian's been showing her butt for years. We've all seen it in various stages of undress, and this nude photo shoot was really just the next step in the progression.
That leads me to the obvious question: If all of us could see this coming, why couldn't Kanye West? I mean, you know, I can understand him liking the chick, and all. I can even respect his decision to marry her.
But come on, Kanye. You mean to tell me that when your wife said, "Honey, I think I'm gonna do a butt-nekked photo shoot in a magazine, and post it all over the Internet," you ain't say nothin'?
I mean, for real, Kanye - are you even the same guy anymore?
Back in the day, you had guts. You had gumption. You had audacity. I still remember what you said on live TV, in the wake of the bungled federal response to Hurricane Katrina: "George Bush does not care about black people."
That took chutzpah.
Or, how about that time you rudely jumped onstage as America's sweetheart, Taylor Swift, was about to make an acceptance speech? You snatched Swift's microphone and ranted about Beyonce deserving Swift's award, much to Beyonce's chagrin.
We've all watched your oddball behavior, Kanye, and like Beyonce, we've all been embarrassed by it. But this, my friend. This takes the cake.
Are you the same guy who wrote the song, "Gold Digger" - a spot-on riff about the thing money-grubbing women do to unsuspecting men? You say you are, but I'm not sure, because that guy would never let his wife pose butt-nekked on the Internet without so much as a mumbling word.
It's embarrassing, Kanye. More embarrassing than the Taylor Swift thing, more embarrassing than the time you got onstage in a skirt, more embarrassing than any of the crazy stuff you've said in interviews.
Because when you're crazy enough to call out the president on live TV, but you won't call out your own wife, you're setting a bad example for the rest of us husbands, Kanye. More importantly, you're setting a bad example for our wives.
Now that you've let Kim pose butt-nekked on the Internet, our wives are going to use that as an excuse for their own insane behavior. I can see it now:
A husband opens a credit-card bill. "Three thousand dollars! Are you trying to break us?" The wife smiles and whips out a copy of Paper magazine. "Kim did this and Kanye didn't say anything."
And, of course, it won't be limited to bills. They'll redecorate our houses in yellow and pink, and when we complain, they'll whip out the pictures. They'll take Caribbean vacations with their girlfriends, and when we gripe, they'll whip out the pictures. They'll fly off to backpack across Europe, and if we protest, they'll whip out the pictures.
Your silence on this issue has ruined the balance of power in our households, Kanye, and for that, I'm going to have to confiscate your husband card.
You can turn it in the same way Paper magazine sent out the pictures. Just drop it in the mail and I'll get it.