My husband of five years has confessed to affairs that resulted in two children. I suspected that something was up when, after a year of marriage, he seemed distant. Despite our almost 15-year age difference, I never in a million years thought he would do something like this.
A few months ago, he started disappearing again. At first, it was a day here and a day there, but then it became weeks. I finally confronted him, and he confessed about the affairs. He contends that the mother of the newborn is a prostitute and that it was a "mistake." He wants to be involved in the 3-year-old girl's life, but not the newborn's. At that point, I told him he needed to leave and remove his belongings from the house.
My friends say that, legally, I can't put him out of a house he owned before we were married. However, he did buy a home during our marriage. (I found that out accidentally.) It's where the 3-year-old lives.
I feel I am entitled to something. I asked him to have the older child's mother move, but he refused. Where does that leave me? With nothing? I don't know what to do. I don't have money for a lawyer and have nowhere to go. Please advise.
- What a Mess in Philadelphia
DEAR WHAT A MESS: Your friends mean well, but you need a more informed source of information than they can offer. Because divorce laws vary from state to state, go online to womenslaw.org and search for "divorce in Pennsylvania." You will find basic information about divorce laws in your state, which I think you will find both interesting and rewarding.
Fantasies are just fine
I'm a woman, twice married. My first marriage was to a woman who hurt me deeply by lying and cheating. I am now married to a man who, even with his faults, is a wonderful husband.
My thing is, I am still strongly attracted to women. I consider myself to be bisexual. When my husband notices that I look at women, I'm honest and tell him what I admire about a particular woman. What I leave out is that I'm turned on by them. He is not open to my actively being bisexual, not even a threesome.
Is it all right for me to fantasize when I'm intimate with him that he's a woman? I know some people fantasize about being with a celebrity or a more attractive mate, but is it all right to fantasize about someone of a different gender?
- Fantasizing in New York
DEAR FANTASIZING: Your bisexuality is part of who you are. You should make clear to your husband that there is nothing "wrong" with being bisexual and that people who are can be and are monogamous. A commitment is a commitment, and you are sticking to yours.
Sexual fantasies are normal. And you're right that many people besides yourself fantasize about others (of both sexes) during sex. Because you don't act on your fantasies, relax and enjoy them, and stop flogging yourself.