U.S. REP. ANTHONY WEINER  finally came clean yesterday about the underwear picture - and many others - sent through his Twitter account.

What he said: "I have made some terrible mistakes. I have not been honest."

What he meant: "Let me be honest: I am so glad I didn't record any videos. You guys haven't found any nude videos of me, right?"

What he said: "To be clear, the picture was of me, and I sent it."

What he meant: "The only way I can make this clearer is if I sent a picture of myself holding a sign that read 'Me' with a freaking arrow pointing at my face. Oh, wait, I already did that?"

What he said: "I don't see that anything I did violates my oath of office to uphold the Constitution."

What he meant: "I had my aides double- and triple-check to make sure that my oath of office didn't include some sort of 'Common Sense' pledge."

What he said: "I don't know what I was thinking. These were destructive things to do."

What he meant: "I was thinking that I was going to send a woman pictures of my own personal version of 'The Battle of the Bulge,' and that she was going to like them. "

What he said: "Once I realized I had posted it on Twitter, I panicked, I took it down and said I'd been hacked."

What he meant: "Once I realized I had posted it on Twitter, I shrieked, threw the phone across the room and collapsed into the fetal position while sobbing, 'This is not happening, this is not happening!' "

What he said: "My home computer is usually where I did these things."

What he meant: "If the FBI ever seizes my home computer, plan on attending another press conference like this one."

What he said: "I love my wife very much, and we have no intention of splitting up over this. I love her very much, and she loves me."

What he meant: "I'm currently looking to rent an apartment in the New York area. If you know of any available, hit me up on Twitter - er, nevermind."

-David Gambacorta