Get out of here, Betty White!! You're 88, and you're going around winning all these awards, just for being Betty White, not fair, since, c'mon, you have a monopoly. Leave something for someone else, would you please? I mean, you went on Saturday Night Live, hosted it once, and got an Emmy for outstanding guest actress in a comedy series. All you need to do is show up. Dang, girl: Your first TV appearance was in, like, 1939! You are busy with TV shows like Hot in Cleveland and Community and films like You Again. Monday, the Associated Press named you Entertainer of the Year for 2010. It was an action-packed, sweaty-brow race to the finish: You defeated the entire cast of Glee by two votes, about the only thing they haven't bulldozed this year. So, hey, it's all cool. We love what you said in response to the AP award: "It's ridiculous. They haven't caught on to me, and I hope they never do."

One-punch Ronnie gets rung up

In a case that's taking forever, OK?, Ronnie Ortiz of Jersey Shore has been indicted on assault charges stemming from a 2009 one-punch KO of this guy Steven Izzo in Seaside Heights, as seen on the show. Wanna bet the trial gets in the show, too? Izzo, of Berkeley, N.J., has filed a separate pending civil lawsuit against Ortiz and Shore. Izzo himself gets sentenced in February for assaulting a police officer.

They'll give knighthoods to anyone!

Simon "Darth" Cowell, former American Idol judge now glooming it up on Brit show The X Factor, will be offered a knighthood, says the Daily Mail. What??? The "Queen's New Year's Honours List" appears Dec. 31. Simon's getting knighted for contributions to U.K. arts and entertainment, but also for his Haiti relief work. We don't hate him so much now. Not that we miss him. . . .

Kelsey Grammer runs absolutely amok

I admit it: I have a sex tape. OK, no, I don't. But I'm probably the only one. Even Kelsey Grammer has a sex tape. At least, that's what his waning third wife, Camille Donatucci (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills), is claiming in her divorce suit - and if she doesn't get her $71 million, she says, she'll release it! Reports of Kelsey tapes surfaced in 1998. If there's a tape, K-Gram joins ranks that reportedly or actually include Paris Hilton, Kendra Wilkinson, Tiger Woods, Tonya Harding, Vern Troyer (also known as Mini-Me), 50 Cent, Pamela Anderson, Marilyn Monroe, Kim Jong Il, Bert and Ernie, Flicka, Northern Liberties, the Grand Tetons . . . OK, the last five are jokes, but Kelsey Grammer? His new girlfriend, Kayte Walsh, she must have a copy, right?

K-Gram revelations crest thick and lumpy: Dating website www.sugarsugar.com has offered him $1 mil to be its front man. It's icky, OK? SugarSugar specializes in matching Sugar Daddies with beneficiaries.

Matchmaker(?) Gwyn plays it down

We love recent remarks by Gwyneth Paltrow concerning her friends Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift, targets of Thingness rumors. Gwyn and hubsy-bub Chris Martin of Coldplay (a music pal of Taylor's) had the two to dinner at their London flat in November, and now Unnamed Sources ask, "Did Gwyn play matchmaker?" Coy does not do her justice: "I'm scared to say," she says. Does that mean yes? No? Holler down the river? . . . Meantime, Unnamed Sources say Jake, nothing better to do, got Taylor a present for her 21st birthday Dec. 13: a guitar once owned by Chet Atkins. Price: $11K. Just good friends.

Hope eternally springs a leak

We can now report that Jude Law and Siena Miller have bought a $12 mil residence in London together. Wow. They were engaged in 2005, and then Jude got jiggy with his kids' nanny (he has kids by two other wimmens), and Siena broke it off. They're been back on since May. When you drop $12 mils together, it must be love. Or better be. She denies they have secretly married. . . . The grizzled yet spry Harry Hamlin, 59, and Lisa Rinna, 47, of Harry Loves Lisa have been married since 1997. In a sly ratings ploy - stop it!, stop!, how cold can you be? - OK, Unnamed Source says the couple are planning to get preggers again and let the camera follow from bump to baby. Talk about a story arc! They have two lovely daughters, Delilah Belle, 12, and Amelia Gray, 9, so they'd be going from one-on-one to a zone press. . . . How about Shania Twain, who just got engaged to her little box of powdered chocolate, Swiss Nestlé exec Frédéric "More Accents Than You" Thiébaud? So says Us Weekly. An amazing story. Sit, children, and you shall hear. See, Frédéric is the ex-husband of Marie-Anne Thiébaud, Shania's bosom bud - until Shania's husband of 14 years, Robert "Mutt" Lange, left Shania for Marie-Anne in 2008 (an affair Mutt and M-A denied). Looks like Shania's come out a winner.

Lotsa flotsam, a dash of jetsam . . .

Alex Rodriguez and Cameron Diaz, so back on again, are spending the holiday in Mexico with his daughters, Ella, 2, and Natasha, 6. . . . Adults made Justin Bieber, 16, and Selena Gomez, 18, walk down a street together in South Beach, Miami, Saturday. Romance? Well, (a) Those two extra years make Selena, like, 30 years older; and (b) these two, although extremely cute, seemed about as comfortable as a platypus on roller skates. . . . Rapper DMX got a year in jail for probation-busting. It's his third time going to jail this year. . . . Brittney Jones, who claims she had an affair with Ashton Kutcher, has eBay'd a sweater she says is involved. How do we authenticate this? DNA swabs? Is this a blue-dress thing? She's saying only "this sweater was given to me after spending the night with Ashton." Freshman English alert! The sweater spent the night? Or you did? And that passive voice! Exactly who gave it to you? . . . Vince Vaughn and wifey Kyla Weber welcomed new daughter Locklyn Kyla Saturday morning. . . . The fabulous Julianna Margulies says she'd rather kiss her husband, Keith Lieberthal, than George Clooney. Well, of course. George doesn't want to kiss him at all. Julianna has kissed some hunkalicious guys - The Cloonster, Chris Noth, Pierce Brosnan, Aidan Quinn, and Matthew McConaughey - but says her dude beats 'em all.

This article contains information from Inquirer wire services and websites. Contact "Sideshow" at sideshow@phillynews.com.