The candidate records I really want to see

ABC NEWS reports that most of the 18 announced presidential candidates have yet to make public their tax returns. That's so '70s. We know they're rich. Members of Congress make $160,000 a year and Giuliani, Romney and Edwards are millionaires all.

So here is what I really want released:

1. A year's worth of barber/hairdresser receipts.

2. Credit-rating reports. You need a clean credit record just to get a job processing checks at the bank.

3. Military DD 214s. Going to the local Marine office to mock the recruiter after law school doesn't count as military service.

4. Floor plans for all domiciles. The average new house is 2,434 square feet.

5. Copies of all electric, gas and sewer bills for the last 10 years. My wife and I used 13,544 kilowatts last year. That is the standard by which I'll measure any of these self-anointed environmentalists.

6. Copies of the oil-change records for all vehicles used by the candidate, spouse and dependent children. This is so I can check the mileage actually driven.

7. All flight manifests for travel in the past year. For Hillary, an addendum for planes returned to charter. If any of them traveled commercially, ticket stubs will do.

8. The name and religious denomination of all schools attended beginning in kindergarten.

9. Copies of gun permits held by the candidate, staff and any bodyguards. Secret Service personnel exempted.

10. Copies of the results of medical tests for somnipathy. We'll see if claims of "being tired" are true or just an attempt to not take responsibility for one's misstatements.

11. All medical records. Never know when an STD will show up.

12. Baptismal records. Non-Christians, exempted.

13. Library records. Let's see who has a library card.

14. Finally, copies of all marriage certificates, divorce decrees and annulments. Republican candidates seem to have the thickest files, although Dennis Kucinich gives them a run for the money. *

Don Surber is a columnist and editorial writer at the Charleston (W. Va.) Daily Mail. He blogs at blogs.dailymail.com/donsurber, where this first appeared. E-mail him at donsurber@yahoo.com.