I'M COMING out of the clubhouse. I do this with a heavy heart. I never sought to bring disrepute to my "special friend" or my family, and I know the tabloids will have a field day.
Still, I must add my name to the growing list of those who were content to be the other woman (but maybe not the other-other woman. Or, the other-other-other woman. And so on.).
I had an affair with Tiger. And, yes, I too can prove it.
In these times, I know my admission requires not proof beyond a reasonable doubt, but rather some combination of e-mails, texts, voice mails or grainy photos. Well, how about what he texted to me on Nov. 14, 2007, at 11:13 p.m.: "hey feel like caddying for me 2night? I hve a new wood with your name on it."
Tiger and I had a chance encounter several years ago when he came to play at Merion. I was exiting the club having just received notice of my blackball. I initially misunderstood when he asked me to "carry his bag." (I'm a slow learner.)
So why'd I give in? Well, it's true what they say. Once you've gone Cablinasian, you never go back.
Of course, if I'm being honest, I knew this day would come. Better that I admit it now before Dan Gross starts tailing my F-150. Because sooner or later, somebody is bound to find out. Eliot Spitzer, John Edwards, David Letterman - they all got caught eventually. Between cell phones, text messages and e-mails, there are just too many ways for the National Enquirer, TMZ.com or someone from the mainstream media to track these things down. Then you get all the attention you want - and more. Which explains the other women.
These interlopers - it's reportedly up to 11 now - are willing to admit they slept with a married man because they know they'll get their name in the paper. Indeed, there's no longer any shame in such an acknowledgment. Think about it. Why else would any of them want to be just another of Tiger's tees?
Answer: Because they've already seen Balloon Boy and the Salahis capture the nation's attention. I'm sure they heard the song that Spitzer's hooker recorded after that fiasco. Maybe they even visited Playgirl.com to see Levi's Johnston. (Hard to believe that 15 months have passed since the Republican National Convention and someone out there still cares what he has to say.)
Sure, it must be tough for MTV to deal with angry advertisers and Italians with agita upset with that "Jersey Shore" program. But when it's the latest reality show with the latest set of misfit future D-list celebs to take the country by storm, I'm betting the network finds a way to stomach an entire season.
Like all of them, Tiger's mistresses will do anything for a moment in the limelight. Even if it means owning up to an affair with a married man who was clearly out of control.
Just know: I'm different.
I'd say more, but Gloria Allred has counseled against it. She'd like me to announce that I'm having a press conference at the Liberty Bell today at noon to expand on my relationship with Tiger. Of course, if he doesn't want that to happen, he can call my attorney and offer me something divisible by three.