Inquirer Editorial: Christie's plan to cash in on a book deal is a bad read

Only the most mendacious would try to rewrite history while it is still unfolding, making New Jersey wonder if it has underestimated Gov. Christie's talent for fiction.

He wants to cash in on a book about what only he and his sycophants see as his glorious gubernatorial years. But there's a sticky law in his way.

Long ago, New Jersey thought a self-enriching governor was acting like a crook and wrote an ethics law banning the practice. But in modern New Jersey, ethics laws are like so much smoke blowing out of a refinery.

Thus his sock puppets in the Democratic-controlled Legislature are likely to exempt not only Christie, but his staff from the law. Just for fun, in the same bill, they will give raises to Christie's cabinet, judges, and their own legislative workers because they're not going to let the fact that schools and hospitals are hurting stop them from taking what isn't theirs.

Asked about dumbing down ethics rules, Senate President Stephen Sweeney (D., Gloucester) asked The Record, "What's the issue?"

The issue is New Jersey deserves a governor who serves the state, not himself, which has been a problem with Christie. That's why a book by Governor Sometimes could be a hard sell to readers who already think he's the state's worst executive in recorded history. But here are a few ideas for book titles to help him sell out.

Walking Deadbeat: A brainless fiscal policy reanimates state debt woes and leads to a horrifying record 10 credit downgrades. There's no happy ending, just higher borrowing costs for the people of New Jersey, who are tired of being double tapped by a greedy imposter.

Phantom of the Gold Dome: A governor is so haunted by his need for attention he sacrifices his dignity to grovel before Donald Trump who throws him away like a used playbill. The governor returns to the Capitol, sad and broken. Even a $300 million renovation of the old gold dome won't cast out this specter.

Say, how about a two-book set?

Book 1: No Place Left But Home: A climate change denying huckster gets locked outside the governor's mansion during an extreme weather event. He seeks shelter in a wrecked minivan, loses consciousness, and is sucked up in a tornado only to crash down in New York City. There he is met by an angry orange monster who bellows "Loser!" at him. After an exhausting trip through America that involved chicken dinners, encounters with flying convention delegates, and tiny internet trolls, he finds himself at the George Washington Bridge crying, "Who moved the traffic cones? Wasn't me!" No one believes him, but kindly folk tell him to get some rest while that bump on his ego heals.

Book 2: Hollow Weaned Already; The Night He Came Home: A Jersey straw man crawls home after having the stuffing beat out of him and is met with overwhelming ennui.

Just One Year: That's all the protagonist has left to change after he realizes he has squandered seven years of New Jersey's life with his futile self promotion. He resolves to be true to his better self. Nah, who's kidding whom? That's just too sappy and unbelievable.

But wouldn't it be a nice ending to this story?