Dear Justice Ginsburg,
I hope you don't find this "get well" card too forward. We don't know each other, after all, but I was distraught to hear about your recent fall and broken ribs.
Like many Americans, I've long been inspired by your work. Second woman to serve on the Supreme Court? Awesome. Tireless pioneer for gender equality and women's rights? Amazing. Still dissenting with the best of them at 85 years old? Lady, they don't call you the Notorious RBG for nothing.
Anyway, I understand that you plan to serve on the court until you're 90, and have even hired law clerks until the year 2020. This is amazing news. For a minute there, I was afraid you might take this recent health setback as a sign that it's time to retire.
I know the Supreme Court is supposed to be above politics, and petty partisan comments aren't going to heal your ribs. But desperate times, as they say, call for desperate appeals. The last time Donald Trump nominated a member of the court, I had to watch Brett Kavanaugh weep his way through a Senate hearing.
Listen, Ruth. I went to Penn — I've seen enough insecure Ivy League boys cry after sex, and to be honest, it turns me off. I can't handle Round 2 of that circus. None of us can.
And so, I'd like to offer my help as you get back on your feet.
Perhaps I can drive you to your physical therapy appointments. I live in Philadelphia, but I'm happy to make a few trips to D.C. in the name of democracy.
Or maybe you need some help around the house. Nutrition goes a long way in healing the body, and I'm a pretty decent cook. I could be on your doorstep with a Vitamix in three hours. Two and a half if you have any pull in traffic court.
Have you considered bubble-wrapping your home and office? My daughter recently learned to walk, so I have a lot of experience in this area. Give me an afternoon and I can turn your place into a bouncy castle—the next time you fall, you'll spring right back up.
I just counted, and it seems that I have 24 ribs. That seems like an excessive amount, no? I'd be more than willing to replace the three that you broke. Tell you what, I could even throw in another three to fortify them — you can never have too many ribs, Ruth!
What I'm saying is, we need you, RBG. Now more than ever, we need your sane, smart, competent self on the bench for at least the next two years. Call me an optimist, but I truly believe that in 2020, we'll elect someone — Republican, Democrat, or otherwise — who is more qualified to shape the highest court in our country.
And if not? Ruth, if we reelect Donald Trump in 2020, you're more than free to pack up your office and retire immediately to the nearest beach. We barely deserved a woman like you in the first place.